The most famousest thing about April is April Fool’s Day, the day in which people without a sense of humour attempt to prove they have a sense of humour by perpetrating an inevitably crap practical joke.
“Oh, hello Sandra. I’ve made you a cup of tea.”
“Thanks…hey, why is there an unrealistic plastic spider in my cup instead of tea?”
Yes, pranksters worldwide rejoice with the excuse to act like a twat, but how many of them – or you – know the true story of the origin of the lamest of all holidays? Nobody. And if you do, then keep quiet while I tell the rest of you what it is.
The year is 1308. Well, it’s not, is it? The year is actually 2013, but, you know, try and use a bit of imagination, will you? I’m trying to set the scene for this ENTIRELY TRUE tale what I am about to tell you. Keep up.
The year is 1308, and April Showers, a medieval porn star, has just got home from work. She was bloody knackered. And it wasn’t a surprise that she was a bit puffed out, porn was quite a different beast back in them days. Say you’re filming a scene – boy-girl, girl-girl, deep throat, DP – sommat like that – then straight away you’ve got a problem because cameras wouldn’t be invented for several hundred years. Instead, the actors – yes, they’re actors – would have to stand perfectly still while some craftsman would crudely carve the scene onto a bit of birch (the pornogapher’s wood of choice). The process could take days, so just imagine what it would be like to have a cock in every hole for up to 72 hours. And lest us not forget just how unsophisticated lube was in the middle ages. I bet it really smarted.
April (the woman, not the month) kicked off her shoes and put the kettle on. She was dying for a brew or whatever it was that they drank in them days before tea had actually reached Britain. She sat down on her luxurious straw-based sofa and bemoaned the lack of anything to watch on the TV. LITERALLY! She was bored and tired and bored.
“Oi, April,” said a voice who at present we don’t know who it is.
“Who’s that?” said April. “Reveal thou self, vagabond.”
“It’s me, Roger, your talking cat,” said Roger, April’s talking cat.
“Ha ha,” she replied. “I’m not falling for that, Roger. You can’t talk.”
“You’re nobody’s fool,” said Roger.
“Ding dong,” said the doorbell. April got up to answer the door, as was customary when the bell rung. She was shocked to see who was stood before her.
“Nice to see you, to see you…NICE,” said Bruce Forsyth. April couldn’t believe it. She was a massive fan of The Price Is Right.
“Now, April, I’ve come here today at the behest of the King. He wants you to come immediately to the castle and make him a dessert based on a purée of fruit served with cream or custard. Alright, my love?”
“But, I’ve just got in from work,” moaned April. “I don’t know if I can be arsed.”
“It’s the bloody king, young lady. And he’s starving. Didn’t he do well?”
“Oh, OK then, I’ll just get my coat.”
“No, don’t worry. It was a joke. And from this day forward the day with be know as Fool April day. Come on, dollies, do your dealing.”
And from that day it was.
APRIL FOOL. Ha ha. The whole story was one big April Fool trick and I totally suckered you in. The fact that it’s now mid-May only made the joke funnier, if anything.