Please read Chapter 1 here.
Now read the next thrilling installment of “A Hazard of Parsnips”:
Chapter 2
Dearest One
Upon reading your latest missive, I felt my egg sack fill with a viscous fluid, lo, it could only be the stirrings of love. Or indigestion.
I have perceived your delightful being for many a mickelmas now and have scrubbed my physique daily with the sweet temptation of beetroot, hoping my aroma would entice you within my web. Oh sweet victory is mine. Oh how I wept tears of joy as I read your magical words, conjuring worlds not yet known to man. Every customer who crossed my threshold since has shared my blessing (in the form of a free turnip or novelty tea towel featuring rude dog and the dweebs).
This morn I didst travel to the town square and unravelled a roll of the finest linoleum. Donning my Sunday-best shell suit, I began to ‘break-dance’ with gay abandon, somewhat reminiscent of a whirling dervish. All the townsfolk remarked on this startling transformation in a man so masculine as myself, little did they know that it was you, only you, that fuelled my excited Windmill.
Alas, news doth travel swiftly in our fair county of Kinkisex. A travelling minstrel shared a tale of your impending nuptials to the arrogant Lord Edmonds of Swapshop. Say it ain’t so baby! I know your father would not approve of my quaffing of Stella and my accompanying “Wifebeater” tattoo, but please rebel and repel his wishes; our love must be consummated. Doggy style.
What comes now must be left to fate. I stand here, serving my brethren, thinking only of you. I beseech you to deliver me a pair of your pinkest panties with your next letter, I covert that purest fabric.
I wait impatiently to hear from you again.
Yours in perpetuity
Clarence Crapper
Sole Proprietor of Barrell O’ Parsnips
Fruit & Veg Emporuim – “Let us root you!”
Continue, if you dare, to the next nailbiting chapters here.
This is truly the most exciting and romantic tale known to man. Will Angel extricate from her nuptuals to sir Edmonds, knowing that Clarence reciprocates? Will she fear the wrath of her father, lord Dane of Bowers? Will Clarence still love her if she is excommunicated from the church of Crinkly Bottom?
I must find out, before I clinch the Udigowa deal.
[...] To catch up with Chapters 1&2 please click here. [...]
[...] http://sherby57.co.uk/2008/10/09/a-hazard-of-parsnips-chapters-1-2/ [...]
[...] http://sherby57.co.uk/2008/10/09/a-hazard-of-parsnips-chapters-1-2/ [...]
[...] Oct: A Hazard of Parsnips – Chapters 1 & 2 [...]
I think I’ve been to Kinkisex.
This is disturbing. Visiting fictional counties is an extremely hazardous activity. Have you completed your Level 1 Fiction Suit qualification? This is the bare minimum of training that is required.
[...] Chapter 2 [...]