MyAfter the recent publication of the secret history of the Fireheart! myth, Fire In My Heart, we present a new feature, ‘Fireheart! In History’. In it, we will present some of the many incarnations of Fireheart! that are sprinkled throughout human history. To begin, we look at perhaps the most famous historical version, Julius Fireheartius, one of the best documented relics of the Roman Empire.
Julius Fireheartius pulled the belt of his toga tight as he surveyed the scene. It was a glorious day in Britannia (thank the gods!), and he watched the slaves tend to the grounds of the villa. As he walked across the exquisite mosaic pathway, he couldn’t stop himself from having a final admiring glance at his pristine, black chariot. The chariot was a gift from the emperor himself, a reward for his heroic efforts in the Colosseum. It was a chariot that had seen the black side of the road and had escaped with not even a broken spoke. Just like Julius.
The lamp flickered outside the villa – while it may have been a magnificent structure, it was a haven of vice. It was frequented by most of the low-lives that lived in the bustling settlement known as Greatharius Londonburinium.
“By the many beards of Neptune,” said Julius, running his fingers through his greasy black hair, “I hate this part of the Empire.”
Julius strode through the door like a big, tough centurion and nodded to the guards, Biff and Claudius.
“Hail!” said Johnny giving a little growl that told the two legionnaires that they had better watch themselves. They knew Johnny was a feared gladiator, and that he always kept a dagger tucked into his sandals.
As he entered the courtyard, Julius realised that there was no-one else there. Almost nobody!
It was a trap.
Lay on a sofa, pampered by slaves, was Nightharius Maharius, the local prefect. Julius had had dealings with Maharius before, and somebody had always died. This time it looked like Julius’ turn.
“So Julius, you’re finally here.”
“YEAH!” Julius shouted. He wasn’t going to let pompous official intimidate him.
“Julius, Julius, there’s no need for that sort of language, we’re all citizens here.”
“By the aching tongue of Mars, just tell me, what do you want of me?”
“I have a job for you.”
Julius scratched his crotch and growled at the obese civic leader.
“What kind of madness is this? I obey nobody but the gods since the emperor granted me my freedom.”
Maharius stood up and approached Julius. He got close. Real close. Julius nearly fainted when he smelt the prefect’s rancid breath.
“I want you to steal my mother.”
Julius dropped his coin pouch to the floor.
…revealing it’s hidden contents:
One mint chocolate flavour barrier method to the Empire (who likes mint chocolate? No one, that’s who)
A Constance Carroll lipstick-shade- cotton candy
and a receipt for the infamous Erotic Dancing boutique owned by celebrated feel-gooder Stefanium Denirium, ‘Slutz Emporia Empire’.
Hmmm interesting speculations Doc. The actual contents of the coin purse are not actually specified in the original Roman tablets and scholars have been debating this very topic for centuries.
It seems as though the dreaded Stefan Dennis has been plaguing the Sacred Order of Sherby57 since Roman times. Is he the Yin to their Yang?
I have to pick you up on one point however – surely everyone loves a mint Aero??
I hate any mint chocolate. I thought this was a universal truth, like, Keira knightley looks utter hate-able and posh people are annoying.
[...] August 2009 by sherby57 Following the recent publication of Julius Fireheartius, I’m pleased to announce another of Fireheart’s historical incarnations. Originally [...]
[...] 2. Fireheart! In History – Julius Fireheartius – Johnny Fireheart is only the latest incarnation of the ancient Fireheart myth. Have a read of the Roman version. Can you see the parallels to the modern version? If you can’t then you may be brain dead. [...]