There is a girl who sits on the skirting board. Let’s call her Skirting Board Girl. She sits on it because they won’t buy her a chair. The absolute bastards.
As skirting boards go, it’s not that bad. There’s a radiator, so it keeps her warm. And it’s quite a thick skirting board, so there is actually room to sit on it. Skirting Board Girl is a little skinny sparrow, but even she wouldn’t fit on a standard half-inch skirting board. Yeah, it’s not that bad, but it’s still a bit ridiculous.
Skirting Board Girl is given only a single bowl of gruel a day. It’s not even a real bowl, but a discarded novelty police helmet. She doesn’t even have a real spoon, she has to use an allen key that she found under somebody’s desk. An allen key is an extremely ineffective spoon. It really wasn’t designed for use as cutlery. The only upside to this is that it takes her a full hour to eat the gruel, so it makes her feel like she’s had a more substantial meal.
There are only three times during the day when she is allowed to leave the skirting board. Firstly, she must scrub the scullery floor from 5am to 6am every morning, wearing a Cinderella style rag dress. There’s no real need for there to be a scullery in the building and it was only built to ensure that she had a cold, stone floor to scrub. It’s very cruel.
The second occasion when she is allowed to leave is at 12 noon precisely, when she has to go and fetch her gruel. They don’t really like her leaving the skirting board at this time, but nobody is prepared to take her the gruel, so there is no other option.
The final occasion comes at 5pm, when she is allowed to go to a window and beg passers by to splash her with puddle water. This acts as a rudimentary washing system. She has to air dry. Luckily she has the radiator.
This means that the Skirting Board Girl has to sleep on the skirting board. Although it is large, by skirting board standards, it is certainly not wide enough for her to lie down on. This means she has to snatch pockets of fitful sleep in an upright configuration. As a result, she is often very, very sleepy.
Still, Skirting Board Girl is surprisingly happy. She has an indefatigable spirit and an optimistic outlook on life that would put us all to shame. Perhaps buying her a chair would ruin her.
ah, I feel so sorry for her. Can we help her in any way? Can we release a single with worthless shites singing on it?
She’s a lovely lass despite her chairlessness and she deserves all the help that we can give her. A charity single would be excellent, perhaps a cover of Whigfield’s ‘Saturday Night’. The more worthless shites the better; they would really help highlight her plight.
I’m phoning ‘Scouting for Girls’ and Hard fi as we speak.
If we can get Maroon 5 involved too then we could be on to a winner. T
i’ll have you know i look nothing like Mr. T. I have copied his beard and denim waistcoat winning combo though, so I can understand the mix up.
Sorry for any confusion. I’d heard a rumour that your street name was “T Cake” and I was trying to be down with da kool kidz. It was a failure of epic proportions.
Incidentally, the beard really suits you.