Bernard looked up at the enormous pile of conkers and smiled. He had waited for this moment since he was a small boy, and he could barely believe that it was actually, finally happening.
Just as he was about to indulge himself in this most terrific of treats, a thought struck him: where was he going to get enough vinegar to soak all of them thoroughly? He started to panic and could only think of all the vinegar wholesalers that had been closed down by the recession. Gasping for air, he considered the alternatives. He’d have similar problems getting sufficient quantities of nail varnish. The nail varnish merchants had been particularly hard hit by the global economic downturn. Dark spots started to appear before his eyes, and he didn’t have time to formulate a plan to bake them all, before he passed out.
It was several minutes later when he regained conciousness. The pile of conkers was gone.
Had it all been a dream? Surely not. He could smell the sweet scent of the conkers and he knew that they were manifest in their exactitude. This meant that someone must have taken them, but who could have shifted so many in such a short space of time? None of it made any sense. He decided it was time to go home. One day, those conkers would be his.
He woke up and it was all a dream. This is the way to get out of any story that you’re sick/bored of writing. I know. I used it many times at the Boss Hogg Primary School.
How I wish you could actually do this in real life to get out of a situation you don’t want to be in. Like, you’re at a party talking to a dullard about salsa and you shake your head an blink your eyes rapidly and announce that the whole conversation had been a dream and then walk off and talk to someone more attractive/interesting/regal.
Ah, but was it a dream? Bernard knows that the conkers were there. There is a deeper message here that even I don’t fully understand. I think it’s something to do with exploiting your conkers when you have the chance.
That said, the ‘it was all a dream’ is an extremely handy life tool. We’ve all been in unwanted salsa based bore-fests and any technique for reducing their running time is muchly appreciated.
I’ve got it, the conkers symbolise Bernard’s youth and how it was misspent. The ‘dream’ is used to represent how our youth slips past us quicker than we imagine. ‘waking’ meaning the realisation that, with hindsight, we would have spent it more wisely by body popping and overdeveloping your abdominal muscles.
Your analysis is breath-taking and clearly demonstrates your medical prowess. I can only hope that you can develop a cure for this terrible affliction as part of one of your many research projects.
Don’t we all wish that we’d done more body popping? My core needs that additional strength and definition.
[...] Bernard and the Conkers – A Story – A haunting tale about a man and a big pile of conkers. [...]