Ho Ho Ho …Ho no you didn’t!
Ho Ho Ho…Ho, yes I did. I only went and gone and written report all about December and whatever it is that that entails. And if I were to pull that tail then what would I find? Christmas time, mistletoe and wine. Children committing Christian crimes.
Yes, if you can think back just 3 short weeks, you too might remember that a Christmas just happened all over your ass. But, stop, oh yes, wait a minute, Mr Postman. Sure, you just took part in some festive Yuletide celebrations, but what is the true meaning of Christmas?
Is it all about the presents? Sort of, yeah. I can’t deny the appeal of people buying you stuff that you don’t really need but that you hopefully sort of want, but, you know, for the purposes of this report, I’m going to say that this isn’t the true meaning.
Well then, is it about all eating so much that you feel the need to pretend that you’re going to join a gym, just a few days later? No, no it’s not. If you’re going to overeat, then you should make sure that you fully commit to it all year round. Bloody lightweights.
Hmmm, OK, well you’re being awkward now, but I’ll carry on playing along. What about the bank holidays? Surely it’s all about the bank holidays. Well, yes, for me, that’s exactly what it’s all about. Three free days off work. Amazing. Like a little Christmas miracle.
Sadly, that’s not the end of the story. Apparently some people actually celebrate some sort of religious thingy ma jig what have you as part of Christmas Surprised? Yeah, me too. Well don’t worry, I’ve done some research on the matter and will now attempt to explain the ins and outs of it to you. You’re welcome.
The year is 1 BC and Joe Christ is a local handyman in the general Nazareth area. High quality work, extremely reasonable rates. Joey is loving life, he’s billy big bollocks in his neighbourhood: he’s got a bushy beard, a thriving business and he’s engaged to local hottie Mary Berry. So far, so boring. Don’t worry, you’re not going to believe what happens next.
After an incident with an angel, Mary finds herself pregnant. No, don’t worry, you heard me right. An incident with an angel. I told you that things were going to get more interesting. Now, I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking “She got pregnant off of an angel? That’s a bit far fetched.” Well you’re wrong, and it shows what you know. Don’t forget that this happened in the olden days and that sort of shit was pretty routine back then.
Either way, you’d expect that Joe would be pretty miffed by this, but luckily (for Mary), Julius Caesar got involved. Yes, him off of the Romans. Basically, everyone had to get a new passport, and they’d left it too late to do it at Nazareth post office meaning that they had to go to do it in person at the Bethlehem passport office.
It was a bit awkward to be honest, what with Mary being the size of a house, but what are you going to do? Not a lot, so they set off on their little donkey. They had planned to buy an estate donkey when Mary had popped out the bambino, but they had to save up a bit because Joe spunked a load of cash on his staggie in Benidorm. It had been worth it, though, they’d been to see Sticky Vicky and everything.
Anyway, they get there eventually, and because it’s nearly Christmas, all the hotels are booked up, even the Travel Lodges. One of the hotel managers suggested that they’d maybe be able to stay at a sandwich shop round the corner. To be honest Mary d didn’t fancy it, but she reluctantly agreed when she found out it was a Pret a Manger as she was a big fan of their Beech Smoked BLT.
No sooner had she sank her teeth into a butty then Mary’s waters broke! Nightmare! Luckily, one of the employees in Pret – Donald McGregor – was a medical student and so he was able to assist with the delivery, which was suspiciously pain free.
“Hang on a minute,” said Donald, holding the baby aloft. “What’s that glowing ring around the babbie’s yead? Bleeding hell, it’s a halo.”
It was at this point that they all realised that the baby was Jesus. It was amazing. Before you knew it, all sorts of people were showing up and making a fuss. E.G. Alan Shepard, the first American in space turned up with his good friend Yuri Gagarin. They brought a copy of Three Kings on DVD, which was a really inconsiderate present considering how long it would be until DVD players were invented.
To celebrate, they had a buffet, which, considering they were in a sandwich shop, was pretty easy to put together. Oh they had a lovely night. Smashing stuff.
And they all lived happily ever after.
I can hear your voice saying that and it makes me laugh all the more.
My voice is the ideal format for maximum enjoyment of this piece.
[...] 2) My monthly report – me reading this is usually the first “act” in the second section of the night (read this month’s, here) [...]