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Brap Brap.
My name is Casio and I am undoubtedly one of the top PUBEs in the country (Picking Up Birds Expert). Loads of people (men\losers) come up to me and ask me “Oh, Casio, how can I get as much minge as you do?” Well, that ain’t never going to happen BECAUSE I AM THE BEST! But, I will use this post to give you a few hints.
Read them, eat them, digest them and then sick them back up into your mind. Here they are:
1. Wonderful piss. You’re out on a date and at some point she’s going to have to go and shake the snake (or whatever the female equaivalent is). When she gets back from the bog, just look at her and, in an as unsarcastic voice as possible, say: “It’s wonderful to see you.” Say this even if you’ve already been out for 3 or 4 hours. Make sure you do it after EVERY wee. She’ll be so peeplexed that she’ll literally be putty in your hand (or hands).
2. Owning the chair (lounge, baby, lounge). There’s only one way to prove that you’re the BCiR (Biggest Cunt in the Room) and that’s to sprawl yourself out over as many chairs as is possible. You don’t need to act like you’re at home, you need to act like you’re at EVERYBODY’S home.
3. Suggestive magic trick. It’s a well known fact that girls’ brains are only equipped to deal with pink. Why not take advantage of this by performing a magic trick which will completely bamboozle them onto the end of your love-rod. Sure, you could do that, but why not perform a suggestive magic trick instead? Eg, produce a sachet of sugar from behind her ear, dangle it in front of her face and then squeeze it until it becomes ‘erect’. She’ll be so wet that she’ll slide off her chair.
4. Acting classes. Show your sensitive side by telling her about the acting classes you’ve been taking and then about how she’d be great if she took them. Tell her you’d love to “do it” with her, before correcting yourself and claiming you meant you’d love to act out a scene with her. Yeah, a porno scene (don’t tell her that bit).
5. The Windsor Neg. Hey! Why not give her a compliment? Something like: “Hey, you look great tonight. You look very reminiscent of Barbara Windsor circa Carry On Camping.” It sounds like a compliment but it feels like an insult. Oh yeah, baby, you’ve just been on the end of a professional negging.
6. Staring. I cannot stress the importance of staring. They fucking love it. It makes them feel important or something. Plant your elbows firmly on the table, lean forward and glare. Just fucking glare. Glare like you mean it. Glare until it feels like your eyes are going to pop out on their stalks and swing from side-to-side like a grotesque Newton’s Cradle. Great. You’ve got it. She’ll be tooting your horn before last orders.
7. Appear vulnerable. Tell her that you’ve got mental issues and that you find it hard to bathe yourself. Look pitiful and sob into your pint. Women will lap this shit up cos they love a loser. Ker-ching. That bitch be yours.
And that’s it. If you want to know more then you’ll have to pay. I’m off now to score some Sheilas with the help of my wingman, Binatone. And, yes, Binatone is a woman. So I can’t be sexist.
Casio done.
