The more observant amongst you will have noticed that there was no post on here yesterday. The thing is, I did write a post, honest, but the, err, the dog ate it.
Right, well yeah, I don’t have a dog. I have two cats. But in animal maths, two cats = one dog. Yeah? My cats ate it.
They didn’t actually eat it. They chewed it a bit. It probably looked tasty to them because I had written it on a pad that was shaped like a chicken wing. It’s a very trendy pad, both nouveau riche and avant garde.
Anyway, the cats, like, chewed up the pad that contained the post. I didn’t think it would really be appropriate to publish it with loads of teeth marks in it, so I ironed the pad. Unfortunately I had the iron on the wrong setting and I burnt the page. I’m such an oaf.
It was now flat, but I could hardly publish a post with a big, brown burn mark on it, could I? I’m not a complete idiot. So, I tried to wash the burn off. I just wanged it under the tap and gave it a scrub with a nail brush. You wouldn’t believe what happened next: the burn didn’t budge, but all the words washed off. I didn’t have the plug in, so they all got washed away.
I had no choice but to climb into my submarine and undergo an expensive miniaturisation process to allow me to travel down the drain to retrieve the words. So I did. Jeez, I had one hell of an adventure. I had to blast a quivering, jelly monster with my onboard laser, etc etc. I basically risked life and limb to try and get the bloody words back.
Just as I was about to get them, a rat came along and ate them up. Because my words are so magical, the rat underwent some kind of crazy metamorphosis and turned into a kind of half-mermaid half-fish. It was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. Sadly, the transformation used up so much energy that the words were completely consumed. I played a quick game of Ker-Plunk with the rat-thing and then I went home. And wept at the loss of my post.
That is why there was no post yesterday. I hope you all understand.
