You may recall that I have recently published two fact files filled in by Mr D Burley. The first was completed in 2000 (Classic Bob – Fact File) and the second only a few weeks ago (Mr Burley in the Year 2007). What follows is an analysis of the answers and how he has changed over the last seven years. I should note that Dave did not consult his original answers to give us a fair reflection on how (and if) he has changed.
The first few questions are relatively straightforward, thankfully his name has remained Dave Burley (no early indication of gender reassignment) and he lives and is from Warrington (a fine old town). He does seem to have acquired some new nicknames over the years going simply from “Bob” to “Deadly, Bobby, Burlox, DaveDaveDave (or 3D)”. I believe the nicknames reflect Daves Madonna-esqe talent for reinvention and his various nom de plumes relate to which of his many hats (metaphorical) he may be wearing.
He has maintained his preference for bacon bits over croutons (I don’t know what circumstances this dilemma would arise though). The point becoming more emphatic over the intervening years as he stresses “..cause when you strip it down, croutons are really just stale bread no?”. It’s an interesting point since stale bread is such a delicacy.
In the age old debate between shampoo and conditioner, Dave has remarkably chosen Shower Gel each time. Although back in 2000 he did specify Co-Op own brand which suggests his fortunes have increased since then. It’s also intriguing how since he doesn’t use a dedicated hair product, how he maintains such a fine head of hair. Sometimes it’s just down to your genes.
The answer to his choice of salad dressing has changed dramatically. Originally it was “cabbage in a basque” (a hauntingly erotic image), and now it is “You don’t make friends with salad”. Both answers demonstrate an admirable disdain for salad.
On the question on whether or not he drinks (with a presumable bias towards alcoholic beverages as opposed to something to prevent dehydration) the answers are unequivocal, “Do Fat Dogs Fart?” and “Are you taking the piss?”. And I can confirm he does like to get shit-faced.
The next question was “Have you ever gone skinny dipping?”. The answers were “Loads of times! In the bath.” and “Nah man, don’t want salt down there. How funny would it be if I said yes last time?”. I don’t think that being naked in the bath technically counts, so blushes are spared there. It’s interesting that he equates skinny dipping with genital salt erosion. Rest assured that fresh water skinny dipping is both healthy and a lot of fun.
Dave does make fun of people. Which just confirms that he is normal. Anyone who replies no to that question is either a liar or REALLY boring. He has mellowed with age since he originally replied “Only if it’s cruel to do so” but this has evolved in to “As much as they make fun of me. If you can’t take the piss out of your mates, where’s the fun?”.
As a Manchester United fan then the original answer of red as a favourite colour made sense. The later answer of “Blue (I bet I said Neon Green last time)” proves one thing to me. That is just how stupid it is to have a favourite colour. It’s not like Orange can come and wash your dishes but Purple lies around all day listening to music on its headphones.
On his criminal past, Dave answered originally “Yes, I was convicted of three driving offences in the year 1999, oh, yes and there was that charge of buggery, but my father has always had it in for me” but seven years later it was “Hey, look up there, a bus!”. Now either Dave has become ashamed of the driving\buggery offences or he has just committed some kind of bus theft which involves floating it skyward using an elaborate system of pulleys and balloons. You decide which is more likely.
The burning issue of the day is “One pillow or two?”. Originally Dave gives the rather mental reply of “Listen pal, If I go to an Indian restaurant, I want a whole fuckin bowl!” but having seven years to think about it made him say “It’s a special pillow and it cost £35. Can’t you tell I live with me bird?”. It makes you proud to say you know someone with a special pillow. And yes ladies, it’s true, Dave is taken. It’s not really publicised as the record company likes to make him look available. And his bird is a lady by the way, not a budgie.
Sadly these days Dave can only dream of having a pet. In 2000 he had not only two fish but also his imaginary friend Spunky. Now I’m sure you can all appreciate that the fish will have died, but Spunkys tale is much more complicated. Spunky was a lovely chap, although you couldn’t get much of a conversation out of him, he was always there for you. Sadly he started to resent being thought of as a pet, since even imaginary humans have feelings. Spunky started a downwards spiral of imaginary drink or drugs and became a burden to Dave. Eventually after a heated argument, Spunky stormed out and was never imagined again.
Daves dream car was the DeLorean from Back to the Future but now its a more sensible Aston Martin DB9. In 2000 Dave drove the “HA HA HA HA HA” car and claimed his first car was the A-Team van. These days Dave says that he drive a Mondeo and that his first car was “Red Astra?”. The question mark is interesting. Can you consider something your first car when you were never actually able to drive it? It’s good at least that he is able to talk about it. Dave hasn’t had the best luck with cars to be fair, as well as the Astra there was the Golf C and Orion disasters. I’d tell you about them but I’m saving it for a book.
From what I can make out Daves favourite kind of music involve the Beatles and rock and roll. I assume he means rock and roll as a general term for guitar based bands rather than Bill Haley and his Comets. It’s worth mentioning that in his youth Daves bedroom walls were completely covered in photos cut out of Kerrang magazine. It was truly a sight to behold.
Dave used to like Crest toothpaste. Unfortunately we don’t know what kind he likes now as he got confused and thought he was playing a word association game where you mustn’t pause and you mustn’t hesitate or you’ll get a bash on the head like this.. or like this.
As for his favourite food, his tastes have gone from Pot Noodle (flavour not specified) to Chicken Curry (flavour not specified). I’m a little surprised that cornflakes with 10 spoonfuls of sugar doesn’t at least get a mention.
On the potentially touchy subject of parents Dave claims to have had a great childhood bar from having anal sex with his father. I think he is joking (although it wasn’t the first time it was mentioned!). In 2007 he says that he has a good relationship with his parents but couldn’t live there again as it would “wipe me out”. Is being ‘wiped out’ a euphemism for incestuous buggery?
His original favourite town to ‘chill’ in was Leeds but over the years Dave has introduced the pragmatic approach of chilling “anywhere with a freezer”. Essentially if his beer is cold then he’s happy.
Both answers for favourite soft drink are somewhat obscure. “ARO Cola” and “Club Orange”. After a google search ARO Cola appears to be Romanian and Club Orange is Irelands number one fruit based squash. Very cosmopolitan. I am somewhat horrified though that neither answer was Tea! If you’ve never had Burley Brew then you haven’t lived. It will blow your mind.
The Burley family have gone from playing “Pass The Turd” to having “fun” arguments. Surely one leads to the other?
Daves bad time of day in both questionnaires was getting up, in the original fact file he went as far as saying “The morning, dumb fuck!”. Now this may sound harsh but if you don’t know that getting up isn’t one of Daves strong points then you genuinely are a dumb fuck. Its interesting that Dave mentions that things only get messy if he doesn’t get four hours sleep. Is he Mrs Thatch in disguise? It just goes to show that he has superhuman endurance levels and that it takes at least twenty hours a day to fit in his wonderful work.
The best time of year for Dave is Christmas.. with a bit of Summer thrown in. He’s just covering his bases really. It suggests to me that he should perhaps emigrate to Australia where he can enjoy his favourite times of year simultaneously. Of course we’d all miss him but I imagine we’d get some interesting home-made Christmas cards showing Dave and co on the beach having a ‘barby’ whilst Santa comes surfing in to shore. Or maybe that’s just my little fantasy.
In a straight choice between Adidas, Nike and Reebok Dave originally chose…..Nicks! He was quick to praise them saying that they were “very impressive as of late”. Unfortunately for Nicks, seven years later his answer had changed to Adidas. You can’t beat the three stripe.
His favourite aftershave has gone from “Catalytic Converters” (is that a macho aftershave or did he actually mean that eggy smell you get from your exhaust pipe?) to not actually knowing what he uses… occasionally.
Daves favourite web-site now is www.youtube.com, which is nice and sensible. He has clearly grown out of his fisting phase which inspired his original choice of www.shitbox.com (do I need to point out that it isn’t safe to look at in work?).
At school Dave now claims his favourite subjects were English and PE whereas seven years ago it was “Fuck The Teacher”. Technically that isn’t a lesson, just something that happens.
Has Dave become more mature and sophisticated? Well his most recent film is Touching The Void, a touching documentary about two blokes stuck up a mountain. Seven years ago his choice was “Lesbo Girls Fuckfest!”. Although his tastes may have become more high-brow, I challenge any heterosexual male to turn off “Lesbo Girls Fuckfest!” in order to watch a mountaineering film. Daves favourite film of all time was Star Wars. His current list includes The Empire Strikes Back. If we do this exercise in another seven years, will Return of The Jedi make an appearance?
Daves favourite booze includes Tequila and posh cider. I don’t think he’s that fussy if anyone is offering.
On to the final question. Daves favourite sport to watch was Olympic Buggery (again with the buggery!) and now has a comprehensive list of “Football, Gaelic Football, Fighting and Rugby Union. Rugby League isn’t a sport; rather more a collection of big lads, hitting each other. That’s not sport, that”. I do have one or two points to make on this. Firstly, when has “fighting” been declared a sport? Secondly, I am somewhat hurt by his traitorous dismissing of Rugby League. Especially when he says he likes Union. Is League less of a sport than a load of Toffs in a field, all playing ‘pile-on’ on a ball for around five minutes (in which time you can’t see anything happening) before it eventually pops free. At this point it is lumped up field and caught by someone at the other end of the pitch, who immediately drops on the ball and invites his chums to start another pile-on. The process continues until eventually someone gets a penalty and the game is essentially won or lost by the kickers. They might as well start with a penalty shoot out and save everyone having to have a bath (it’s very muddy). Did I mention that homo-eroticism is a key component? Anyway, at least in Rugby League they score the occasional Try.
In Conclusion
So, what have we learned over all about Dave? I’ll be honest, I’m not too sure. The questions are pretty random and I’m not actually trained as a psychologist (If there are any psychologists reading, I’d be grateful if you gave it a bash). Over the last seven years Dave seems to have become a more mature and well-rounded human being. Either that or he didn’t give as many joke answers the second time around. All we can say for certain is: Once a legend, always a legend.
If you would like to learn more about Dave Burley and his work, please click here
