Yes, I realise that only I am interested in the drawings I do on my IPhone. But since this is still my blog, last time I checked, then I am going to inflict them on you. To make things more palatable, I will include character biographies for each wonderful sketch. Enjoy.
Brian The IPhone Man
Brian is a big fan of UK-Hip Hop sensation, MC Lizzy Duke. He estimates that he has listened to her DVLA based rap track, ‘Straight Outta Swansea’, no less than 30,000 times. On Fridays, he likes to dip his feet in to paint and create “crazy footsteps” on the highways (and by-ways) of Norwich. Brian smells.
Doris is an IPhone Lady
Doris hates the fact that she is called Doris. When she meets new people, she calls herself ‘Bump Bump Bump, Grind your booty all night, yeah yeah yeah, You get me?’. Nobody knows why. Doris once wore a vest for over a year, as a protest against ants. Doris wonders whether having breast implants filled with helium will allow her to fly. She has one hairy leg and one smooth, so that at night she can feel like she is snuggled up to a macho, macho man. She adores “Magic Tree” air freshener.
Derek Looks To The Heavens
Derek likes to shout his catchphrase, “Flexible”, in as many shopping malls as he can. He has currently done it in 3 malls. He is quite lazy. Derek is a big fan of the singer Lemar, mainly because he believes he is a supernatural entity. Derek holds a weekly seance, but has yet to summon Lemar. Derek thinks it is hot in here. He won’t take off all his clothes.
Jimmy Jimmy, His legs are electric.
Jimmy is noted for his floating eyebrows. He has had them since birth and was subject to bullying at school about them. That is until he commanded the eyebrows, Hawk and Dove, to attack. Nobody was killed, and Jimmy was fully acquitted. His favourite hobby is ballroom dancing but he has yet to dance with another person.
Natalia Is Hiding.
Natalia sounds more Russian than she actually is. Natalia wishes she was born in 1920, but she wasn’t. She believes that “The Kids From Fame” are a message from god, and refuses to leave the house without legwarmers. When she is alone, Natalia likes to pop a cats paw in her mouth. It’s not as weird as it sounds.
Howard is not from Halifax
Howard’s way is the only way. He likes to wrestle goats. He is THE man. End of.
The Occasion: The 72nd Annual Sherby57 Awards 2007 aka The Sherbys
In a star-studded ceremony hosted by Sir Trevor McDonald and Jodie Marsh, the years most prestigious awards were presented in front of a 23000 capacity crowd and the worlds press. Unfortunately due to phone poll rigging allegations in previous years the event was sadly not televised. Here is a full round up of the winners and losers.
Artwork of the Year
2007 was a strong year for the art world. From the simple pleasure of a daub of paint on a pristine canvas to the expressionistic mecha-dance of the borgeois warrior monk; there has been something for everyone.
A fold in denim caused a stir this year and almost caused a stock market crash! Who can forget the panic buying of jeans in August as people tried (and failed) to recreate this iconic work?
Stunning computer generated image of a lamp. Or is it? What is the lamp? Where does the light come from? It’s a mystery wrapped up in an enigma, surrounded by a puzzle.
A haunting image of a world that could be and yet isn’t. Many were moved to tears by the fascistic regime’s attack on the graceful giant felines. A classic for this or any other year and a worthy winner. The Sherby was collected on behalf of the artist by US President George W. Bush. President Bush has acquired the original for the White House and said he was ‘honoured’ to be there to recieve the award.
TV Show of the Year
A troubled year for the world of broadcating; the Big Brother race row, Blue Peter’s faked competition and a hardcore anal scene on Emmerdale. Still there have been a few highlights, and here they are.
Runners-Up:
Celebrity Chip Shop – A triumphant return for the celebrity reality show, this show blew the others away in terms of ratings and intrigue. The competition was neck and neck right to the final when the red team scraped the victory by a margin of just 12 pence.
You Wish You Were Dead – Viewing figures of over 20 million hark back to a golden era of entertainment; this comedy juggernaut provided ratings and cruelty in equal measure. The show provided the ‘water-cooler’ moment of the year in a prank that involved faking a fatal car crash and convincing a man that his entire family were dead. Hilarious.
And the Winner is:
The Womb Surfer – THE outstanding drama of the year, this US import has received critical and popular acclaim. Despite a somewhat slow start to the second season the show has continued to wow audiences. The crowd at the O2 arena went wild when stars Chuck Murraymint and Danny Spencer appeared in person to collect the award. The actors (who play Landau McGarnekell and John O’Groats respectively) had to wait for 73 minutes for their standing ovation to subside before being able give their acceptance speech. Murraymint said “Thanks” while Spencer said “Woof woof”.
Comment of the Year
Sherby57 is a democratic organisation and is open to comments by any of its fans. In recognition of this we present a special award for the best fan comment of the year.
Runners-Up:
A Local Tramp on One was a Stunner, One was a Dog – A Brainteaser:”Hi there Sherbs!
Just spotted this discussion and I think I may have something to add. I remember one night a good few years ago when I was in bed just by the bins at the back of the Postern Gate Pub in Warrinton. I was woke up by what appeared to be a balding man, a stunner and a dog!
The man kept saying things that I couldn’t quite make out – I’m sure I did catch a few phrases though such as:
“Four Letters …. Loser”
“Alright stunner – Have a nice weekend”
“Alright dog – Have a nice weekend”
and
“Me and me mate went Jet-Skiing at weekend”
Didn’t see anu activities of a sexual nature though!
Hope this helps!”
“Mr Sherby – obviously your investigatory skills are amazing. Please please please could you finally investigate and give an answer to the following question that has haunted my night times for the past three years – “why were phil and tony left out of the loop??” I think we all need to know and so we can all finally lay this one to rest!!”
“You forgot to say “stay out on the black and into the red, nothing in this game for two in a bed”.
I concur bullseye is poo with a very low production value to match the IQ of the contestants. However I would have liked to know how the contestants shared the prize of a caravan. May I suggest a time share arrangement? this would mean that all parties could spend quality time in the luxurious two bed caravan located at Robin Hood caravan park, Prestatyn. here they could also make good use of the 1.5 person speedboat, max speed 10 MPH with white leather seat with built in lager can holder and chipstick dispenser. A tub of vaseline is also advisable, to apply after you have eaten the chipsticks.
I would like to know your thoughts on another show now deemed to grace the halls of cooldom, blockbusters with bob holness, can I have a P please bob, can I have a E please bob, you get the picture!!!”
In a hard fought category there were many worthy winners. Ultimately though, I hate Bullseye and there can only be one winner. Unfortunately the holidays are Miss Warwicks special time and she spends the festivities at home with her family. However she did send her thanks.
Poem of the Year
The international poetry scene has exploded this year and created stars such as Derek “The Iceman” Higginbottom and Hairy Joe The Exotic Lemon Squeezer. With competition this hot, the judges needed poetry oven gloved in which to handle the sizzling platter of words conjured up in the form of rhyme. As head-poetry judge Barney The Dinosuar quipped “there’s no RHYME nor reason about it”. And we all laughed.
Runners-Up:
Pop Shop Pop – Pounding beats meet. Tap tap tap. Great Chat.
If one words sums up the year 2007 as a whole (and it does) it is – video. Moving images, moving moving. Suddenly replacing the static photographs of the past. It’s a whole new world as Peter and Jordan once ‘sang’. And how would I tell which is best videos to watch? Here’s how.
One of the events of the year captured on film. Well not on film obviously. On a phone. Which when you think about it is quite bizarre. Imagine telling the Victorians that you would be capturing moving images on to a telelphone. I mean, they wouldn’t even know what a telephone was for a start.
This is a clip that has everything. The great trailer voice-over, a little bit of Earth Song and most importantly a whole lot of Fireheart. It’s a clip that has excited millions of fans worldwide. The Sherby was collected by Fireheart director Stanley Giggleswick although he refused to divulge any further details on the upcoming movie.
Photo of the Year
Ah photos. Despite what I just said, they are still important. Let’s have a look at some of the best of the year.
It’s the look of an alpha male. The limp wrist (no watch). The hand in pocket. The Argentinian Soccer Jersey. It all adds up to sales galore for Geordie Jeans. And no, people are just searching for that clip off Shooting Stars. Honest.
There could only be one winner. Mr Banana Penis is by far the most popular photograph on the internet this year. And that ain’t bad for a genetic freak. Mr B-P appeared in person to collect his award although he refused to ‘get it out’. He is still looking for love so if you are interested (and you are female) please look here. Come on, he’s an award winner!
News Story of the Year
There have been some huge stories in the news this year; Gordon Brown becoming PM, the floods, the missing rice scandal etc etc. As always though, the Sherby57 investigative team were at the forefront of quality journalism. This award is a tribute to those stories that made a difference.
Runners-Up:
Where Do Spuds Come From? – A dazzling expose on the whole corrupt potato industry. Eating a chip will never be the same again. Peggy Widge – An insight in to a rare and disturbing medical condition. Thought provoking.
And the Winner is:
Goot Crow Industries and Global Influence – The article that first let the world know that their lives are not their own. The Crow is a tough nut to crack and he has been soaking in vinegar. The Sherby statuette was collected by the whole Sherby57 team as the crowd chanted ‘thank you’. They can save the world with your help.
Villain of the Year
Booooooooooo. Hisss.
Runners-Up:
Mike Robot – He claims he is innocent but does anybody believe him? Sinister.
Mr Quiff – He’s yellow. He has a quif. He is very rude. He makes my skin crawl.
And the Winner is:
Goot the Crow – Was there a chance that he wouldn’t win? He has his fingers in more pies than Jack Horner. And they all stink. Think of a combination of Hitler, Stalin, Mao and Keith Chegwin. Multply by a million. Cover it in Satan Shit and mix it all together. Dress it up in an SS uniform with a Gary Glitter wig. And Goot would still call it a cissy. It goes without saying that he didn’t collect the award in person.
Hero of the Year
It’s the final and biggest Sherby of all. To be a runner up is a massive honour. The winner will go down in history as a great man. Let’s have a look who won.
Runners-Up:
Hans Klaussner – The plucky German warmed all out hearts as he lookd for love. Bravery in face of adversity and a way with words has made Hans a national treasure.
Dr Glen Medeiros – A scientist with a heart. A man of compassion as well as cold hard logic. His varied humanitarian work ranged from those who put pegs on their penises to those who have a banana for a penis. It’s generally to do with penises. His work at the Torben Piechnik Institute is an inspiration to us all.
And the Winner is:
Dave “Dave” Burley – Dave is the worthiest of winners. What more can I write about him that I haven’t already written endlessly about. I don’t think messiah would be too strong a word. Dave graciously appeared live at the ceremony and received an unprecedented 4 hour standing ovation. People queued to wash his feet or be healed. He sang, he laughed, he cried. He touched us all. Not literally, I mean emotionally. He’s not a sex pest. As the crowd settled down and we were able to hear him, Dave imparted a message. A simple message but one that will echo down the ages.
“Enjoy the drink. Enjoy the dancing. Enjoy the do. Let’s get shitfaced.”
And on that note we roll up the red carpet until next year. I’m off to the after show party and hopefully I’ll get to boff a groupie.
I know it’s a bit sad to put photo’s of your pets onto a blog.. but look at the pose! And before anyone calls the RSPCA she isn’t glued in to position and its all of her own free will.
