The World of Sherby57

Because I’m worth it

No Deal

Noel Edmonds’ make-up on the festive edition of Deal Or No Deal was so horrific that Sidney vowed he would never love again.

The news of Sid’s self-imposed celibacy hit womankind like a hammer blow. It’s no exaggeration to say that The Women were pure devoed (devastated). It seems that Sidney was something of a catch who, up to that particular date, had indeed not actually been caught. In the year 2059 (for that was indeed the year in which this happened – sorry, I should probably have mentioned that) there were hardly any eligible men. There was quite literally a dearth of suitable suitors.

The council of Women’s Things convened an emergency meeting of the utmost import. They gathered round a telly (or the futuristic equivalent) and reviewed the video footage. Edmonds seemed to be dressed as a genie but his skin was entirely golden, like one of them birds off of the beginning of Goldfinger. I can’t really describe the rest of his outfit as it’s knocking me sick. And the council of chicks, like, totally agreed with me. One of them actually vommed up in her mouth a little bit.

Anyway, the council members (or “memberettes” to give them their official title) decided that Sidney was right and that EVERYONE should become celibate! Well, this meant that the human race became extinct! It’s like Tales of the Unexpected, or something like that.

Or was it?

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Wick-Wock

Michael’s wick visibly quivered at the thought of procreating with his beloved Sheila.  Alas, his love was destined to remain unrequited, for Michael, you see, was a candle.  Oh, the cruel slap of fate.

Michael (always Michael, never Mike or Mickey) had the day he first laid his metaphorical eyes upon Sheila emblazoned on his waxy brain.  He had been living in one of those really smelly shops that hippies frequent, with some of his family.  He had been sad to leave mother, but the swell of desire he felt as Sheila tenderly placed him into her hempen sack more than made up for it.

Mmmmmm, oh how his mind reeled at the memory of the day that she had first firmly, yet sensitively grasped his rigid shaft.  And then had put him on a shelf.  The heady feeling of anticipation was almost too much to bear at the thought of her lighting him.  Oh, how he longed for her to light him.

That day had now long passed.  The day his virgin wick had become sooty.  A solitary tear of wax dripped mournfully down the bit of his shaft where there would have been a cheek had he had a face.  The irony being that each tear led him ever closer to his ultimate demise.

Oh. Oh, Sheila.

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The Door Knocker – A Kowalski Mini-Adventure

door knocker

Image via Wikipedia

When Kowalski arrived at Maureen’s that crisp September morning, he had no idea what was about to happen to him.  He simply thought he was going to routinely interview a witness about a missing cat.  The same sort of shit that Kowalski would normally eat for breakfast.  On this occasion, it was a breakfast of big (metaphorical) eggy baps.

Kowalski approached the humble abode and couldn’t help but notice how tidily-trimmed the doormat was.  It framed Maureen’s entrance perfectly and it brought a minor-flush to Kowalski’s ruggedly stubbled cheek.  Kowalski tentatively stroked the engorged door knocker.  He sensitively caressed its brassy nodule before tenderly knocking it against the wooden door with his tongue.  He waited.  Kowalski was not a man prone to uncertainty, but even he wondered if he had done it right.  He needn’t have worried.  Slowly, expectantly, Maureen exercised the well-lubricated hinges of her front door.  Kowalski stifled a gasp as the door lay tantalisingly agape.

“Detective Kowalski, I presume” purred Maureen.  ”Do come in.”

Kowalski did not need asking twice.  He looked longingly at Maureen’s hallway.  He was a man of considerable and impressive girth and he worried that it may be too tight a squeeze.  He may have been Kowalski, but Kowalski was a gentleman first and Kowalski second (except on those occasions when he really needed to be a Kowalski, you know, like in an emergency and that).  He gently entered her silken hallway and lovingly wiped his boots on the mat.

The sensation of entering Maureen’s house was almost too much to bear and he feared he could not control himself.  Kowalski was an experienced man and had entered many witnesses’ houses over the years.  None had felt like Maureen’s.  His whole body shuddered and juddered as the barrage of sensations washed over his sufficiently toned body.

He managed to make it to Maureen’s plump sofa and he slumped into the voluptuous cushions, completely spent.  He asked Maureen is she minded him smoking.  Damn, he needed a smoke.

Do you love Kowalski?  Read his further adventures in “A Hazard of Parsnips”.

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Jacob’s Cob – A Story

Homemade spotted dick pudding.

Image via Wikipedia

Jacob bit into his crusty roll with a vengeance.  The tough exterior skin of the fragrant bap cracked like a dropped egg beneath the pressure of his ivory fangs (teeth).  He immediately recoiled at the sensation of the soft bready innards and the unusual juxtaposition with the cold, clammy meat held within its doughy grasp.  It was a nice bit of boiled ham.  Oh, how this sandwich reminded him of Beryl.

It was twelve years ago, that very night, that he first met his beloved Beryl.  He had spotted her from across the crowded canteen.  He would have had to have been made of stone not to notice her; she was wearing a tabard so tight that the nylon literally glistened, and her protective mesh fedora was sported at a particularly jaunty angle.  She was sex on legs.

His breathing had become erratic as the queue shortened and he approached her divine form.  He thought he might just collapse as she served him an extra large portion of spotted dick with custard.  Little did they both realise that he’d be soon serving her an extra large portion of his own spotted dick and that she’d be licking his custard from her bulbous lips.

Alas, their lovemaking was no more.  Beryl had gone back to Darren after he had promised her a Vauxhall Corsa.  It wasn’t even a new one.  Darren just knew somebody at work who was selling one.  It was a bit of a banger, to be honest.  Women were so fickle…thought Jacob.  That’s not my opinion, obviously.  I’m not sexist.

Jacob sighed and threw his cob against the wall.  Memories\sandwiches could be so painful.

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Billy’s Club – A Story

Billy went to the club.  Which club, I hear you ask?  I don’t know.  I am merely the author of this story.  I’m not Billy’s mum or something.  Get over yourself.

So, Billy gets to the club.  There may or may not be music playing.  As I say, I don’t know what kind of club it is.  It might be a tennis club, which would have an entirely different vibe to it.   Maybe it’s a golf club.  An actual club not the club itself, if you know what I mean.  Could a man really go to a sporting utensil?  Yes, of course he could.  Would he?  Hmmm, I’m not so sure.

I don’t know what happened at the club.  Billy may or may not have had a good time.  It’s really not for me to say.  Some people would argue that it is the role of the author to provide detail about what is actually happening in a story.  I heartily disagree.  I’m something of a acid-jazz fusion writer and I believe that it’s only right and proper to let your characters lead their own lives without following them around and asking them for every detail.  If Billy wanted me to know what happened at the club, then he would tell me.

This could suggest that there was a seedy aspect to the club.  You know, because Billy is keeping it a secret from me.  That’s not for me to judge.  Billy might just be a private person, and that’s fair enough.   On the other hand, he might be a massive pervert.  I’m tempted to have a peek in the club and see what’s what.  I could do that if I wanted.  In Billy’s universe, I’m pretty much omnipotent, so it would be well easy.  I won’t, though.  I have a code of ethics that is not for breaking.

Billy left the club, after doing whatever it was he was doing.  He went home.  I don’t know where he lives.

The End.  Probably.

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