4. Post From The Past – July 2008 – This featured the PFTP for July 2007 (beautiful, thought-provoking art, such as World Of The Cats; hard-hitting reportage, as we began to look at the Earl Of Evil, Goot The Crow; a chapter of Fireheart; and some goundbreaking fashion).  It also features the controversial poem, Pink Panties.

3. Listen To The Legend 2 – A list of dates and times when Warrington legend, Dave “Dave Burley” Burley appeared on a no longer in existence radio station.  It’s quite the historical document.  Like Chamberlain’s bit of paper, only more important.

2. TS57P – Hurley Burley – More Burley magic.  It’s too complicated\tiring to explain.  Just read it.  You’ll probably learn something important.

1. Watermelanoma – A Poem – A truly epic poem about an adventure I had with a watermelon.

7. The Crow Meets Coraima – Someone used “Goot The Crow” as a tag on a blog post, and that person wasn’t me. Weird, huh? I never did get to the bottom of the mystery, sadly.

6. Hi – A Poem – Quite a weak poem.

5. Post From The Past – June 2008 – The only post listed is the Post From The Past from June 2007. That sounds crap until you realise that June 2007 featured Fireheart, animation and Dave Burley. Check it out. They’re all only 3 clicks away.

4. The Sherby57 Project – This was my attempt to educate you on the true meaning behind many of my blog posts. It was really hard work and that’s why it hasn’t appeared for a while.

3. TS57P – Fire In My Heart – The first real entry in The Sherby57 Project, this post takes a look at why the first two chapters of Fireheart were so very, very significant.

2. Fireheart! In History – Julius Fireheartius – Johnny Fireheart is only the latest incarnation of the ancient Fireheart myth. Have a read of the Roman version. Can you see the parallels to the modern version? If you can’t then you may be brain dead.

1. The 57 Principles Of Sherby – 57 succinct lessons on how to improve your life and spiritual well-being. I’d advise that you read them now.

7. Post From The Past – November 2007 – Poetry, a chapter of Fireheart, Hans Klaussner and Dave Burley facts. What more could you possibly ask for?

6. Rock The Goot – Yet more information on the shady Goot The Crow.

5. Mmmmmm – I express my erotic delight of Toby Carvery through the medium of photography.

4. Anne sind Sie meine Liebe – Hans engages in an emotional conversation with a fellow Germanian.

3. Hollyoaks – A Poem -A poem that truly encapsulates the pulsating, pus-filled boil known as Hollyoaks.

2. Don’t Forget December 5th! – A timely reminder not to forget Bonfire Night.

1. Elvis – Elvis lives – in the form of a sculpture.

http://poursomegravyonme.co.uk/2009/10/22/meet-team-extreme-part-1/

In it, we learn of a covert government black ops team, called Team Extreme.  This article contains the disturbing quote:

You should not confuse Goot with his evil counterpart, Goot The Crow.   The twins, like yin and yang, have fought their good vs. evil battle for countless millennia.

This marks a stunning change in the history of Crow Industries, as, until recently, this universe did not contain a ‘Good Goot’.  I have some of the top scientists in Sherby57 Towers working on this and we hope to provide more substantial answers for you soon.

While you’re waiting, I suggest that you don’t make any plans.  The multiverse might just decide to undo them.

15.  Chester Neat-O - Fireheart! superfan, Chester Spangleton, made a rare blog update, and we celebrate this fact here.  Chester has not updated his blog since 11th September 2008, and we’re all very worried about him.  Chester, if you’re out there, please get in touch.

14.  Crow History - Bits and pieces related to our endless quest to squash Goot The Crow’s evil empire.

13.  A Joke I Was Once Told –  The more astute amongst you will have realised that this joke was terrible. However, it was one that I was genuinely told, and so it was important to pass it on. Is there hidden meaning contained within its weak punnage?

12.  Post From The Past – September 2007 – September 2007 was an interesting month in the life of Sherby57.  There is a video of Jimmy Cricket, Jarvis Cocker receives an award, there’s a photo of me having a good time with two of Eastenders’ finest and there is an extract from an extremely erotic novel.  What more could you want?

11.  A New Fragrance For Men - Are you a man? Would you like to smell like pink panties? If so, then click this link and read all about a fantastic new aftershave.

10.  My Art – IPhone Boy -  My first foray in to IPhone based art.  Who is the boy in the picture?  Do you recognise him? You should, by now, have realised that everything here is connected.

9.  Mindy Ruson’s Style Emporium - My good friend Mindy Ruson started a blog, and did not continue.  It’s not too late to start a campaign to get her to update her (would be) wonderful blog.

8.  Toaster Amnesty Hits Warrington - A Nazi-style toaster collection took place in Warringon, in a quest to end toaster-related crime.  Did it work? And what was the sinister reason behind the confiscations?

7.  My Art – IPhone Boy 2 - Another moving portrait, another mystery.  Who is this second man? Why do his eyes glow red?

6.  Toast Conspiracy? - A follow up article on the infamous Warrington toaster amnesty.  Contains the “Sherby57 Comment of the Year 2008″ from Russell Hobbs.

5.  Hans Across America - My good buddy, Hans Klaussner, fills us in on his transatlantic adventure.

4.  Toast Me – A Poem - Emotional poetry was the only was I could describe the horror of Toastergate.

3.  Simon Cowell: Dream Smasher - A short discourse on the nature of Simon Cowell’s impact on the war for reality.

2.  Never Say Sherby57 on TV Again - A TV review including the documentary, Inside The Institute, and the reality TV classic, Celeb Kebab House.

1.  My Dragon’s Den Pitch - A verbatim transcript of my failed Dragon’s Den pitch.  I just don’t understand why they didn’t invest, they’ve lost themselves an awful lot of money. Idiots.

On that sour note, we conclude this months journey of reminiscence. Until next month, keep reading.

Disclaimer – This is an extremely self-indulgent feature and is a cynical attempt to recycle stuff that I have written in the past in the vain hope that someone will actually read them. Please feel free to slag off “Post From The Past” to your hearts content.

It all started with the post ‘Where Do Spuds Come From?‘ on 6th June 2007.  Whilst out on Sherby57 Patrol, I happened across a box bearing the name ‘The Potato Factory’, and, intrigued, I took a photo.  I couldn’t get my head around why a vegetable would need to be made in a factory, so I did some digging and started to come across stories of something strange happening in Burscough, Lancashire.  It was difficult to separate the facts from fiction, and the only 3 facts I could be sure of were:

1) The conspiracy seems to be centred around Burscough, Lancashire

2) People who have worked in a “Potato Factory” all have the nick-name “Spud”

3) If asked a “Spud”will deny ever working in a Potato Factory. They will even deny being called Spud.

It wasn’t a lot to go on, so I posted on the blog to see if I could draw out any further information.  A few people left comments, firstly ‘BurscoughBoy’, warning me off, with the line:

‘Just leave it.. there’s nothing going on, nothing to worry about.’

I’m not so easily deterred. There were also a couple of comments from ‘The Speak Man’, who was able to confirm ‘fact 3′, from first hand experience.  These comments were raised on 31st July 2007 in the post ‘What’s Going On With Sherby57 And Stuff‘, as an attempt to keep the story in the public consciousness.  All went quiet until 16th December 2008 in a comment on ‘Where Do Spuds Come From?’ by none other than Dr. Angel.  She was able to provide us with this further information:

1. Burscough has a ‘yoof’ problem and has at least 600 youth clubs despite only having a population of 200 people.
2. They train pole dancers in Burscough. The pole dancers are then recruited to Stefan Dennis’ chain of erotic boutiques ‘Slutz Emporia’.
3. Mysterious wagons are seen driving from Burscough to Skelmersdale’s industrial village ‘Pimbo’. Is this where the potato is manufactured?The only way to find out is to join a staffing agency and try and infiltrate the very bowels of Pimbo itself.

Some of these facts, on the surface, seemed tangential, but they were able to flesh out some of the connections we had been making in our investigations.  The following questions were put to the doc for clarification:

1. Is it true that the people of Burscough have to visit a minimum of three youth clubs each per night to ensure they stay open?

2. Does Stefan Dennis know Goot “Goot The Crow” The Crow?

3. Do you prefer red or white wine?

And the relevant answers were:

1. Yes
2.No
3. Rose lambrini.

This information was much less useful than I had hoped.  On 14th January 2009, I brought you news of Dr. Angel’s own investigation in ‘Burscough And You Know You Are‘, which links to the doc’s ‘The Burscough Conspiracy‘.  I urge you to read it and soak in the frankly shocking facts held within.

So, it looks like it’s all been quiet since January, but you’d be wrong.  What I have not been at liberty to tell you, until now, is that we have had undercover operatives infiltrating Burscough since July 2007.  Progress was initially very slow, and the occasional mentions on the blog were largely a smokescreen to divert attention away from the real investigation.  One of our men, we’ll call him ‘Stanley X’, was eventually able to get a job at The Potato Factory.  This was no mean feat in itself as all knowledge of the factory is denied, and the location is a closely guarded secret.  Working on a tip off, Stanley X was able to ingratiate himself with a local woman with ties to the potato industry, and eventually marry her.  He was posing as an out of work actor, so his new bride wasted no time in pulling some strings and getting her husband a job.

His first day was pretty standard, a health and safety lecture and orientation with HR.  Stanley went home that night bewildered, wondering when was he going to see the factory.  That would be on day two Stanley, do be patient.  Day two arrived and Stanley X made his way to work on his nephew’s push bike.  Upon entering the factory, he was introduced to his new foreman, George.  Stanley had a notepad and pen with him, to make notes on what was expected of him in his new role; George told him it wouldn’t be needed.  Puzzled, he followed the foreman to a small room with two chairs in it, and a large window overlooking the factory floor.  George filled a kettle as Stanley gingerly looked out over the largely empty factory.  There was no machinery on the floor, and no staff; the only unusual thing to be seen was a large electrical rigging on the ceiling, with what looked like a large satellite dish hanging down.  He sat staring as George handed him a hot cup of tea.  George then started to fill him in on the job, giving him a speech that he’d clearly given a number of times before.  This speech was captured for posterity by a recording device implanted in Stanley’s left nostril:

Lad, you’re lucky. Very lucky.  There are men up and down this great nation that would kill to have this job, literally kill. I once knew a man from Widnes who came up here looking for a job in’t factory and it drove him mad, it drove him mad just trying to find the bloody place.  It’s like El Dorado – and I mean the City Of Gold, not the bloody soap opera.  Anyway, let’s just say you’ve landed firmly on your feet. It’s like this: we come in of a morning, and come to our room, then we sit, we wait, we watch and then we bugger off home. It’s as simple as that. They need some blokes to make sure that the spuds arrive, and that’s what we do.  And let me tell you this, I’ve worked here for 35 years, man and boy, and there hasn’t been a single time that the spuds ain’t got here.  Now, I know what you are wondering: where do the spuds come from? Well I don’t know, you don’t know, and you never will.  The first time that you see them arrive, you won’t believe your eyes, but the moment that your pay cheque hits your bank account, you’ll never wonder again.  Lad, you just hit the jackpot, so sit back and enjoy yourself.

And with that, he turned on a TV in the corner and started watching The Jeremy Kyle Show.  All was quiet until approximately four o’clock.  Stanley could feel a change in the atmosphere, and a smell not dissimilar to that when there is an electrical storm due.  Then, out of nowhere, the huge apparatus on the factory ceiling began to crackle and glow with energy. This built and built until there was an almost blinding flash, and then nothing.  Stanley blinked his eyes as he tried to recover his vision.  He could hear George chuckling in the background and muttering, ‘I told you so’ under his breath.  Finally, Stanley’s training kicked in, and he was able to regain his composure.  He looked out through the window and found that the factory floor was full with a huge container of potatoes!!  With this, George made a phone call, and within ten minutes, a lorry was reversing on to the factory floor and then towed the container away.

Under the cover of darkness, Stanley X reported his findings back to Sherby57 HQ.  From his descriptions, we could only conclude one thing: Inter-dimensional transfer.  Being an area of particular speciality for myself, I immediately steadied myself for trance, and joined the astral plane.

The astral plane is not a supernatural thing, as some believe. It is a place where pure thought, unhindered by corporeal woes, can experience the fabric of the multiverse directly.  I had traversed the plane hundreds of times before, and knew that if a transfer of this magnitude was taking place regularly, then I should have sensed it.  I knew immediately that the disturbance was being hidden.  Knowing this gave me all the clues I needed to find where the dimensional breach was occurring, and I found it within 4 hours.  And to be honest, I should have guessed who was behind it: Sherby666.

The Most Wicked Coven of Sherby666 are our counterparts in an alternate universe, one in which evil is prevalent.   We do have tentative diplomatic relations with them, so I summoned their representative, Cedric Cobblestone, to the astral plane for some questions.  Surprisingly, he was quite open about what they were up to.

Apparently, there is no such thing as the vegetable, the potato. This was in fact a story dreamt up by Cedric’s predecessors many centuries ago, in order to conceal their true origin.  Sherby666 sell potatoes to us, from their dimension, in return for common iron ore, iron is considered a precious metal in their universe.  The potatoes themselves are actually demon’s eggs.   Yes, you read that right, demon’s eggs.  Shocking.

Well, confronted by such a revelation, I had to quickly make a decision on what to do.  Given that there is nothing actually harmful about eating demon’s eggs, and that potatoes are part of our staple diet, there seemed little point in stopping the trade.  I bade Cedric farewell, and returned home.

It’s may be a bit off-putting the next time you have chips, but now you know the truth about potatoes.

2. Post From The Past – July 2007 – Looking back at a classic month for The World Of Sherby57.  There was beautiful, thought-provoking art, such as World Of The Cats.  There was hard-hitting reportage, as we began to look at the Earl Of Evil, Goot The Crow.  There was a chapter of Fireheart, and some goundbreaking fashion.  There was a also a very controversial winner.  Take a look at the goodness.  As they say: ‘Mr Sherby57, with theese Post From The Past, you are really spoiling us’.

1. Pink Panties – A Poem – A post that combines my two favourite things: Poetry and Pink Panties. What more could you want?

Disclaimer – This is an extremely self-indulgent feature and is a cynical attempt to recycle stuff that I have written in the past in the vain hope that someone will actually read them. Please feel free to slag off “Post From The Past” to your hearts content.

http://coraimazap.wordpress.com/2008/06/27/sunday/

We’re totally and utterly baffled.   In what way does this relate to Goot The Crow, and why is he tagged in the post? Is it some kind of coded message? Or could it just be some kind of outlandish spelling mistake? Any explanations would be greatly appreciated.  Do you know who Coraima is? We need to know what this means.

Anyway, on with the show:

The Date: 27th December 2008

The Place: The Royal Albert Hall

The Occasion: The 73rd Annual Sherby57 Awards 2007 aka The Sherbys

A glittering array of stars were present at the Royal Albert Hall, as this year’s hosts, husband and wife team, Clive and Pamela Anderson, hosted the prestigious award ceremony. Clive managed to wow the audience with his wits, while Pamela wowed them with her natural charm(s). Let’s take a look at some of the winners and losers.

Artwork of the Year

Another busy year for Art, saw Art jump up and bite itself firmly on the butt cheeks (buttocks).  The once humdrum mundanery of modern existence, could now be seen purely for its own aesthetic worth, whilst true skill and talent were taken out back and pummeled with a snooker ball in a sock.  Which was regarded as something of an artistic triumph. Quelle surprise!

Runners-Up:

Elvis

A stunning sculpture, this shows ‘The King’s’ more sensitive side. Mainly cos his head is foam.

Doctor Angel

She’s a doctor, and she’s an angel?? Look through the haze and you will be amazed. She is.

And the Winner is:

Bored In a Meeting

What does it all mean?

 This sumptuous drawing, making the most of biro and marker pen on printer paper, really sums up the modern workplace.  From the vampire, which symbolises frustration, to the key, which shows us inner turmoil, the whole piece comes together as a whole and congeals in your mind. A worthy winner in this and every year.

TV Show of the Year

The big TV story of the year was Brand/Ross-gate (Bwossandgate?). Which was weird cos it happened on the radio.   We’ll forget the scandal and just look at some of the quality programming that 2008 had to offer.

Runners-Up:

Celeb Kebab House – In a year when even the whiff of another lame celebrity reality show made the population vomit so hard that it went back in time, and was hence responsible for the rise of life on the planet, Celeb Kebab House bucked the trend.  It’s sole virtue is that it didn’t make my eyes bleed. 

Inside The Institute – Blending heartwarming human interest stories with the hard-nosed bastard that is science is never easy. Well it wasn’t until Inside The Institute hit our screens.  Based in Warrington’s Torben Piechnik Institute, we learned to love arrogant, yet caring, Dr. Glen Medeiros.  It was very close to winning this years award.

And the Winner is:

Fear My Clit – Programme makers should be rewarded for genuinely innovative and ground-breaking television, and boy are the makers of Fear My Clit being rewarded.  With its extreme subject matter and the traumatic levels of humiliation heaped on all participants, it really went to show what could be achieved with a limited budget. Let’s hope that series 2 isn’t delayed too much by all the court cases. That would be the real tragedy.

Comment of the Year

Sherby57 is a democratic organisation and is open to comments by any of its fans. In recognition of this we present a special award for the best fan comment of the year.

Runners-Up:

Anne on Hans Across America

“Hi Hans,

surely your german is better than my english, therfore I’ll change now:
Leider kann ich kein “Lonely Heart” bieten, da ich “Happy married” bin.
Da Du mich aber vor ca. 1000 gefühlten Jahren in München einmal ausgeführt hast und dies für mich ein sehr aufregender Super-Abend war (für Dich evtl. etwas öde) sende ich Dir auf diesem Wege liebe Wintergrüße aus Bayern.
Ich hoffe Dir geht’s gut, Anne”

Dr Angel on Where Do Spuds Come From?

“I live ten minutes away from Burscough and can confirm the following:

1. Burscough has a ‘yoof’ problem and has at least 600 youth clubs despite only having a population of 200 people.
2. They train pole dancers in Burscough. The pole dancers are then recruited to Stefan Dennis’ chain of erotic boutiques ‘Slutz Emporia’.
3. Mysterious wagons are seen driving from Burscough to Skelmersdale’s industrial village ‘Pimbo’. Is this where the potato is manufactured?The only way to find out is to join a staffing agency and try and infiltrate the very bowels of Pimbo itself.”

And the Winner is:

Russell Hobbs on Toast Conspiracy?

“Speculation is rife that the WBC toasters were removed in order to prevent potentially earth destroying crumb collision experiments by maverick scientists attempting to create the conditions that existed a billionth of a second after the first bread was toasted. Government scientists fear such experiments could result in the creation of black holes, a condition that occurs when the bread becomes superheated and turns black before igniting, sometimes resulting in a hole in the bread.

It was initially believed that effects of these “black holes“ could be negated by an over-application of butter and jam, but further scientific speculation has suggested that they could result in the END OF THE WORLD !!!

News channels have reported that a group involved in a failed attempt at using crumb collision technology in a café on Fleetwood pier yesterday have fled to Europe and gone underground. Intelligence reports expect them to be making further attempts today.”

It was an extremely competitive field this year for comments, with a special mention going to Dr. Angel for her tireless work and yet cruelly pipped at the post when it came to winning the award.  Dr. Angel’s nemesis, Stefan Dennis, has also been a regular contributor, which is welcome despite his despotic tendencies.  

In the end, the award had to go to Russell Hobbs for his devastating analysis of the whole Warrington-based scandal Toastergate.

Poem of the Year

As Boyzone so eloquently sang, “It’s only words, and words nurr nurr nurr, will take your breath away”. It was definitely something along those lines anyway. So without further flurry in to the fully-formed festivities and fling furtively with final fretful fears, here is some poems.

Runners-Up:

Toast Me – A poem about toast.  Did you like this one the most?

Bit of a Dark Rug – This one makes me shrug.  Why write a poem about a rug?

And the Winner is:

Show Me Magic 

The voting has been frozen

The winner has been chosen

It fills my heart with gaiety

To mock a pretend deity

Video of the Year

Due to contractual obligations there were no original Sherby57 created videos on the site this year. Instead we present a round up of our youtube favourites.

Runners-Up:

The Bushwhackers

The key is not to watch Cousin Butch (the one speaking), but to watch Cousin Luke’s dedication to wobbling his head. It’s truly a joy to behold.

Release The Kraken

I could listen to it all day and still not understand why he says ‘Release the Kraken’.  And I have actually done that.  And I didn’t.

And the Winner is:

Steve McLaren Goesh Dutch

I don’t know why it’s so funny but it makes me laugh every time. 

Photo of the Year

Pick up a camera and take a snap. What have you got? It’s a photograph!

Runners-Up:

Missing Todd

Luckily he came back to us safely.  Don’t go away ever again sweet prince.

Mmmmmm

Why can’t somebody invent a machine that can turn photos in to real life, cos I would love to devour that feast right now.

And the Winner is:

Toaster Amnesty Hits Warrington

If there is a sadder sight than a load of toasers in a shopping trolley then I’d like to know what it was. Breathtaking.

News Story of the Year

If you look at old news stories, should you call them olds?

Runners-Up:

Blind-Duh-Date Syndrome – Another dazzling medical expose, this story highlighted those poor unfortunates who suffer from this terrible affliction.  We learn of the work of Dr. Pepsi Shirley at the unparalleled Torben Piechnik Institute, and what she is doing to help people with such a bizarre vocal condition.

Hot Shower – There had been no new information on the upcoming Fireheart! The Movie in months when this story appeared.  Although trivial in nature, on publication it gave the millions of Fireheart! fans around the world something to hang on to.  And boy, Hot Shower is such a good song!

And the Winner is:

Toaster Amnesty Hits Warrington – This was the story that started the whole Toastergate scandal.  Who could have predicted what an uproar it would cause to the people of Warrington? Not I.   We are still feeling the repercussions now, with conspiracy theories popping up left, right and centre.  It’s unlikely we’ll ever learn the truth about this, but it won’t stop us from trying.

Villain of the Year

Booooooooooo. Hisss.

Runners-Up:

The Hacker Formerly Known as ‘JLS’ – This ‘man’ had the audacity to try and fiddle a sanctioned Sherby57 poll on the hilarious A-Team joke.  It can only be pure evil that would drive a man to do this, to such a well loved and respected jokesmith as myself.  It’s rumoured he is an associate of the following runner-up.

Goot “Goot The Crow” The Crow – He’s still the most evil man in the world, and on merit should have won.  But he’d probably just show off to all his supervillain buddies that he’d won this award two years in a row; and I won’t give him that satisfactions.  The are rumours that the Masked Avenger is turning his sights to the evil empire.  There will be blood spilled this year.

And the Winner is:

Me – For coming up with the idea for the hideous ‘Post From the Past‘ and then insisting on persisting with it.  It’s really annoying and unsatisying to do, but there is the miniscule chance that someone will click on one of the links and get me an extra hit, and so I will keep doing it till the end of time. Awful.

Hero of the Year

Well, it’s getting to the end of the ceremony now, and there’s only one more statuette to present.  But, we’ve saved the best to last.  Last year’s winner, Dave Burley, was there in person to present the award.  It was an emotional moment for us all.

Runners-Up:

Clarence Crapper – The hero of the excellent novel, A Hazard Of Parsnips.  Although fictional, he is such a powerful and erotic prescence that many readers believe him to be real.  We all look forward to more of his adventures in 2009.

Chester Spangleton – He’s had a rough year and only been able to post on FAB twice,  but we still love old Cheshy and hope that this mention gives him a boost with his medical problems. Get well soon Chester!

And the Winner is:

Hans Klaussner – He’s not only our favourite German, he’s our favourite person full stop.  Hans has been away in America for much of the year and returned especially for The Sherbys.  The audience gasped as they realised he was there in person to accept the award and not a dry eye in the house when he and Dave Burley embraced on the podium.  It was the only fitting way to end such a magical evening.

And that’s it, all done and dusted for another year.  Let’s hope 2009 brings us as many tales of daring, emotion and conflict. 

A bientot!

Sherby57

http://archive.thisischeshire.co.uk/1997/8/9/246393.html

http://archive.warringtonguardian.co.uk/1998/10/23/236319.html

Who is this Andy Gauton character? Could he really be the infamous Goot the Crow? It seems unlikely that the criminal mastermind could be so sloppy as to leave such a big clue to his identity online. We fear it may be a trap.  However, the team is committed to ending his reign of terror and will forge ahead in their endeavours. If you are a rock music fan in the Warrington area, can you help? Have you spotted this man in the Barley Mow? Were you at Lancaster University in 1998? Please help if you can.

In related news, we found the following piece of scientific research:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/26/science/26crow.html?_r=2&oref=slogin&oref=slogin

Could the uncanny ability of crows to recognise faces be the superhuman ability that allowed Goot to rise to his current status? If you are going to make waves, wear a balaclava.