Words can be used in many different ways. If I was to yell ‘sandblast’ at you, at the top of my voice, then you’d experience a warm, healing energy. If I were to whisper ‘flapjack’ into your ear, then you left knee would probably twitch. It can be very confusing, and potentially dangerous.
My advice would be not to speak at all, unless you’re a fully qualified talker. Try communicating via futile hand gestures. They can be frustrating, but they’re very safe.
Hallo meine chums!
Ich bin Hans Klaussner! Ja! It really is me! I am writing this from crazy love motel within the deepest of domain of Arizona, in USA! My fortunes of travel have been under the most scrutiny, yet Hans is not speaking!! HAHAHA. Yes, you know what I mean, cheeky munchens.
Anyhoo, on to my reason of writings. My good friends at Sherby57 have been in e-mailing me to tell me news of a wondrous message left for me on my last posting – Hans Across America. For those of you who are not in able to click my link, then here is my letter:
Hi Hans,
surely your german is better than my english, therfore I’ll change 
now:
Leider kann ich kein “Lonely Heart” bieten, da ich “Happy married” bin.
Da Du mich aber vor ca. 1000 gefühlten Jahren in München einmal ausgeführt hast und dies für mich ein sehr aufregender Super-Abend war (für Dich evtl. etwas öde) sende ich Dir auf diesem Wege liebe Wintergrüße aus Bayern.
Ich hoffe Dir geht’s gut, Anne
I am finding this most emotional. For my pals who are not speaking ‘da lingo’, I am offering my services of translation:
Unfortunately I cannot offer “Lonely Heart”, since I am “Happy married”. Since you implemented me however before approx. 1000 felt years in Munich once and this for me a very exciting superevening were (for you possibly somewhat desert) send I you in this way dear winter greetings from Bavaria.
I hope you go it well,
Anne
The moistness of my eye, matches only the swelling in the domain of my breast. How cruel is the blow dealt with gusto by my liebling. Why my Anne, have you been insisting in offering your sweetness, yet then be retracting it with much anger? Answer me my Anne! I implore from you your meaning of your love. It is burning within the lateness of my being. I am being corrugated beyond all recognition. (hahaha, this is only being a little Hans jokey!).
Hoping with all my decree for you to write within sundown, my Anne.
Yours hauntingly
Hans
Welcome one and all, it’s time once again for the ever unpopular featurette…Post From The Past! Ta Daaaaa!!! October is a spooky time of year (hellowoan time!), so let’s look at the spine-tingling countdown from one year ago!! oooooooooohhh!! (that was a ghost noise rather than an erotic moan):
15. My Art – Evil Frog - The frog represents the forces of global capitalism, the goggles are the dreams of hungry orphans. What does it all mean? Think, think and think again. Your world will be changed forever.
14. Mr Burley in the Year 2007 - Mr Burley completes a fact file that lets us all in to his inner sanctuary.
13. St Helensian for Beginners – Lesson 3 - Can oo speak de Sint Hilens langoo-age? If not, read this, and it will help.
12. How Posh? - Just a small description on just how posh I is.
11. A FAB Tribute - The first appearance of number one Fireheart fan, Chester Spangleton. That guy rocks!
10. The Sea.. see? – A Poem - A moving poem about the ocean. Can you hear the waves crashing against my heart?
9. Mr Quiff Says… - Don’t mess with Mr Quiff, he’s a nasty piece of work. But with a heart of gold and he loves his old mum.
8. Goot Crow Oz - The Evil Prince spreads his wanton destruction to our antipodean cousins. At this stage, he’s virtually unstoppable.
7. Sheppity Yeppity Yep – Another Poem - So complex, yet so simple. Even I don’t understand it.
6. She Shagged the FA - A conversation I once overheard showing the power of chinese whispers.
5. One was a stunner, one was a dog – A Brainteaser - A very very tricky brainteaser. Many tried to solve it but all failed. Have a read and post your theory on what the answer might be.
4. Pop Shop Plop – A Poem - It rhymes.
3. Sherby57 on TV 2: Sherby57 on TV Harder - The finest TV review column ever written. Well, in my opinion that is.
2. Bullseye Bollocks - Read it and know I’m right. It’s rubbish.
1. Join ESA – Earth Song Anonymous - We have the occasional light-heared feature here at Sherby57, but sometimes we have to tackle gritty social issues. If you have a problem with “Earth Song” by Michael Jackson, then this is the post for you. Essential.
And that wraps up the voting for this month. Until next time, don’t do anything that I wouldn’t do, you cheeky monkeys.
Disclaimer – This is an extremely self-indulgent feature and is a cynical attempt to recycle stuff that I have written in the past in the vain hope that someone will actually read them. Please feel free to slag off “Post From The Past” to your heart’s content.
Something rather embarrassing happened yesterday. I was on the phone to an Indian call centre who wanted to speak to one of my colleagues who I was trying to explain was on their dinner. Unfortunately the operator was struggling to understand me and as a last resort I said “He’s gone on his lunch”. I made it clear last week what my feelings are on the l-word (Traitors). To make matters worse, someone heard me say it and I was rightly reprimanded. I was mortified.
I’d like to go on record with a full and sincere apology. If we lived in a more just world I’d probably be arrested and birched. I’m sorry if I have disappointed any of my disciples. But maybe there is a lesson in it for all of us (and in a way, does that mean that I did it on purpose so that my followers could learn a valuable lesson? – think about it).
I’ll try not to let it happen again.
It's a book of this blog.
