Read Part 3 Here
The Mother
Johnny tossed and turned in the sweaty bed after consuming Choo-Choos sensual body like a lion devours a wildebeast. His lover was asleep, she snored loudly, and he could faintly hear the squawking of Sir Walter Pilkington-Smythe. Johnny was restless and began to ponder everything he knew about Burlonis mother.
Mamma Burloni is ancient. Nobody knows her true age, although rumours suggest she was over 70 when she gave birth to Luca which made her well over a ton. She has wizened with age and her head is thought to be the size of a large conker and just as shiny.
Mamma Burloni grew up on the small Italian island of Sizzleonia, a hot bed of mafia activity. She was known as Mamma from childhood but nobody knows why. No-one remembers her real name. She was the most beautiful girl in the village and men came from far and why in order to woo her. Many died. Sizzleonia was declared a war-zone for over three years as every single man on the island fought for her hand in marriage.
The matter was settled when Big Poppa Luigi Burloni stepped down from his small fishing boat onto the Sizzleonian shoreline. It is said that his growl was so loud that it drowned out the sound of Mount Etna errupting and it was so frightening that all fighting stopped immediately. Luigi Burloni strode like a king over the corpses in search of the fabled beauty. As he approached the humble shack, it is said that the sky turned blood red. Even Mother Nature herself trembled as the meeting grew closer. Luigi removed his hat and opened the door of the ramshackle dwelling.
The chemistry between the pair was so electric that Mammas mother and father immediately melted into a puddle of gloop. The lovers looked into each others eyes for the first time and moved towards each other. As their fingertips touched there was an almighty explosion and they were thrown, scattered across the globe. Every peasant within a 5 mile radius was instantly killed.
Luigi found himself alone and naked somewhere in the Australian outback. As soon as he regained his senses and quenched his thirst in a local billabong he began his quest to find his true love. He roamed the earth calling “Mamma Mamma, Where are you?” for years and years to no avail. His journey only ended in the 1950′s when he became the first Italian in space, preceding the more famous American and Russian efforts by a decade. Becoming embroiled in an attack by the evil KwahKwahKawh army from the planet Bizunginddunflopflipflopplipplopplow, he risked his life to save the human race. Eventually he scarificed his love of Mamma to take the throne of the Great Parp to become King Big Poppa Luigi the First of the Holy ZizzJizzMizzLizzPubQuiz Empire in order to bring peace to the galaxy (but that really is a story in it’s own right).
Mamma Burloni resurfaced many years later in a seedy part of Greater Londonbury, pregnant with Luigis child and a being of pure evil. The prolonged pregnancy resulted in her emitted a heady cocktail of pheramones and hormones that gave her effective control over any man. With this ability she quickly built a criminal empire (and a chain of chippys, for tax purposes).
Many years later she gave birth to Luca, who emerged from her womb as a fully grown man. They clashed before he could suck his first drop of milk from her motherly teat. However she believed in keeping your enemies (and children) close and Luca rapidly rose to be her right hand man. It was around this time that Johnny himself first met Mamma when he completed a job for her he was not proud of. It was a job that led to the bitter feud between Luca and Mamma. He realised that he only had himself to blame.
If he was going to get out of stealing Mamma then he knew he would have to revisit the events that started the ball rolling
Read Part 5 Here
