We live in a modern world. There are planes, there are trains and there are most certainly automobiles (cars). There are also loads of different ways to obtain, what many people call, “the news”. You’ve got your internets, your newspapers (the clue’s in the name) and you’ve got your travelling minstrels. Sure, they’re all excellent, up-to-date ways of obtain fact-packages. I’m sure they satisfy your every need.
They’re not the best, though. Not by a long chalk. I don’t think there’s a length of chalk that could persuade me otherwise.
The only way to obtain news satisfactorily is by elephant.
Every morning, I go to my local zoo and I stand and I wait. I wait and I stand. Then I go up to the elephant enclosure, I say hello to the elephants (still don’t know their names) and I wait for news.
The elephants know the routine by now. As soon as they see my rosy cheeks beaming at them, they’re straight over to the news bucket and have their trunks to the ready. Before I know it, they’ve fully immersed their elasti-snouts into the news and are sucking it right up. This is the most exciting moment. I stand with my arms spread wide apart and close my eyes. I wait.
I don’t have to wait long before they’re spraying that cold, liquidy news all over me. My work clothes are literally drenched in information. I often have to use a towel to mop up the excess fact.
No, wait a minute.
Sorry, that’s water. It’s water that they spray on me. Oh god, how embarrassing. I got totally confused.
It’s with a spring in my step and a sigh in my soul that I tell you my incredible\boring news. Something may or not have happened to me or to somebody else. Perhaps nothing happened at all. All I know is that it’s unbelievable\totally believable. After the first thing did or didn’t happen, maybe something else then happened. It’s also possible that it just ended there and then. Who knows? Not I, fair maiden\crass, insensitive oaf.
If this thing hadn’t of happened to me (or if it had happened to me), then it’s quite possible that my life would now be very different, quite different or about the same. It’s both humbling and completely inconsequential to think about it. Possibly I’ve never thought about it. It doesn’t really matter, or it matters a great deal. We just don’t know at this stage, although we may have all the relevant data to hand with a full analysis of the situation.
Bah, it’s all so frustrating telling you lot about my news, you never understand what I’m getting at. Although, sometimes I think that it’s the most wonderfully satisfying part of my day and that it’s heartwarming to be so fully understood. It makes me feel so special. Apart from the times that it makes me feel like a speck of dirt under a tramp’s dog’s toe nail.
And that’s all I have to tell you. Apart from all the stuff that I’ve not told you yet. I’ll speak to you really soon. Unless I don’t.
Due to legal proceeding, our coverage of this year’s Sherbys has been delayed for a week. We apologise for any inconvenience to our many fans. But we still maintain that ***** ****** did meet ******* **** and thoroughly ****** his ***** out.
Anyway, on with the show:
The Date: 27th December 2008
The Place: The Royal Albert Hall
The Occasion: The 73rd Annual Sherby57 Awards 2007 aka The Sherbys
A glittering array of stars were present at the Royal Albert Hall, as this year’s hosts, husband and wife team, Clive and Pamela Anderson, hosted the prestigious award ceremony. Clive managed to wow the audience with his wits, while Pamela wowed them with her natural charm(s). Let’s take a look at some of the winners and losers.
Artwork of the Year
Another busy year for Art, saw Art jump up and bite itself firmly on the butt cheeks (buttocks). The once humdrum mundanery of modern existence, could now be seen purely for its own aesthetic worth, whilst true skill and talent were taken out back and pummeled with a snooker ball in a sock. Which was regarded as something of an artistic triumph. Quelle surprise!
This sumptuous drawing, making the most of biro and marker pen on printer paper, really sums up the modern workplace. From the vampire, which symbolises frustration, to the key, which shows us inner turmoil, the whole piece comes together as a whole and congeals in your mind. A worthy winner in this and every year.
TV Show of the Year
The big TV story of the year was Brand/Ross-gate (Bwossandgate?). Which was weird cos it happened on the radio. We’ll forget the scandal and just look at some of the quality programming that 2008 had to offer.
Runners-Up:
Celeb Kebab House – In a year when even the whiff of another lame celebrity reality show made the population vomit so hard that it went back in time, and was hence responsible for the rise of life on the planet, Celeb Kebab House bucked the trend. It’s sole virtue is that it didn’t make my eyes bleed.
Inside The Institute – Blending heartwarming human interest stories with the hard-nosed bastard that is science is never easy. Well it wasn’t until Inside The Institute hit our screens. Based in Warrington’s Torben Piechnik Institute, we learned to love arrogant, yet caring, Dr. Glen Medeiros. It was very close to winning this years award.
And the Winner is:
Fear My Clit – Programme makers should be rewarded for genuinely innovative and ground-breaking television, and boy are the makers of Fear My Clit being rewarded. With its extreme subject matter and the traumatic levels of humiliation heaped on all participants, it really went to show what could be achieved with a limited budget. Let’s hope that series 2 isn’t delayed too much by all the court cases. That would be the real tragedy.
Comment of the Year
Sherby57 is a democratic organisation and is open to comments by any of its fans. In recognition of this we present a special award for the best fan comment of the year.
surely your german is better than my english, therfore I’ll change now:
Leider kann ich kein “Lonely Heart” bieten, da ich “Happy married” bin.
Da Du mich aber vor ca. 1000 gefühlten Jahren in München einmal ausgeführt hast und dies für mich ein sehr aufregender Super-Abend war (für Dich evtl. etwas öde) sende ich Dir auf diesem Wege liebe Wintergrüße aus Bayern.
Ich hoffe Dir geht’s gut, Anne”
“I live ten minutes away from Burscough and can confirm the following:
1. Burscough has a ‘yoof’ problem and has at least 600 youth clubs despite only having a population of 200 people.
2. They train pole dancers in Burscough. The pole dancers are then recruited to Stefan Dennis’ chain of erotic boutiques ‘Slutz Emporia’.
3. Mysterious wagons are seen driving from Burscough to Skelmersdale’s industrial village ‘Pimbo’. Is this where the potato is manufactured?The only way to find out is to join a staffing agency and try and infiltrate the very bowels of Pimbo itself.”
“Speculation is rife that the WBC toasters were removed in order to prevent potentially earth destroying crumb collision experiments by maverick scientists attempting to create the conditions that existed a billionth of a second after the first bread was toasted. Government scientists fear such experiments could result in the creation of black holes, a condition that occurs when the bread becomes superheated and turns black before igniting, sometimes resulting in a hole in the bread.
It was initially believed that effects of these “black holes“ could be negated by an over-application of butter and jam, but further scientific speculation has suggested that they could result in the END OF THE WORLD !!!
News channels have reported that a group involved in a failed attempt at using crumb collision technology in a café on Fleetwood pier yesterday have fled to Europe and gone underground. Intelligence reports expect them to be making further attempts today.”
It was an extremely competitive field this year for comments, with a special mention going to Dr. Angel for her tireless work and yet cruelly pipped at the post when it came to winning the award. Dr. Angel’s nemesis, Stefan Dennis, has also been a regular contributor, which is welcome despite his despotic tendencies.
In the end, the award had to go to Russell Hobbs for his devastating analysis of the whole Warrington-based scandal Toastergate.
Poem of the Year
As Boyzone so eloquently sang, “It’s only words, and words nurr nurr nurr, will take your breath away”. It was definitely something along those lines anyway. So without further flurry in to the fully-formed festivities and fling furtively with final fretful fears, here is some poems.
Runners-Up:
Toast Me – A poem about toast. Did you like this one the most?
Bit of a Dark Rug – This one makes me shrug. Why write a poem about a rug?
Due to contractual obligations there were no original Sherby57 created videos on the site this year. Instead we present a round up of our youtube favourites.
Runners-Up:
The Bushwhackers
The key is not to watch Cousin Butch (the one speaking), but to watch Cousin Luke’s dedication to wobbling his head. It’s truly a joy to behold.
Release The Kraken
I could listen to it all day and still not understand why he says ‘Release the Kraken’. And I have actually done that. And I didn’t.
And the Winner is:
Steve McLaren Goesh Dutch
I don’t know why it’s so funny but it makes me laugh every time.
Photo of the Year
Pick up a camera and take a snap. What have you got? It’s a photograph!
If there is a sadder sight than a load of toasers in a shopping trolley then I’d like to know what it was. Breathtaking.
News Story of the Year
If you look at old news stories, should you call them olds?
Runners-Up:
Blind-Duh-Date Syndrome – Another dazzling medical expose, this story highlighted those poor unfortunates who suffer from this terrible affliction. We learn of the work of Dr. Pepsi Shirley at the unparalleled Torben Piechnik Institute, and what she is doing to help people with such a bizarre vocal condition.
Hot Shower – There had been no new information on the upcoming Fireheart! The Movie in months when this story appeared. Although trivial in nature, on publication it gave the millions of Fireheart! fans around the world something to hang on to. And boy, Hot Shower is such a good song!
And the Winner is:
Toaster Amnesty Hits Warrington – This was the story that started the whole Toastergate scandal. Who could have predicted what an uproar it would cause to the people of Warrington? Not I. We are still feeling the repercussions now, with conspiracy theories popping up left, right and centre. It’s unlikely we’ll ever learn the truth about this, but it won’t stop us from trying.
Villain of the Year
Booooooooooo. Hisss.
Runners-Up:
The Hacker Formerly Known as ‘JLS’ – This ‘man’ had the audacity to try and fiddle a sanctioned Sherby57 poll on the hilarious A-Team joke. It can only be pure evil that would drive a man to do this, to such a well loved and respected jokesmith as myself. It’s rumoured he is an associate of the following runner-up.
Goot “Goot The Crow” The Crow – He’s still the most evil man in the world, and on merit should have won. But he’d probably just show off to all his supervillain buddies that he’d won this award two years in a row; and I won’t give him that satisfactions. The are rumours that the Masked Avenger is turning his sights to the evil empire. There will be blood spilled this year.
And the Winner is:
Me – For coming up with the idea for the hideous ‘Post From the Past‘ and then insisting on persisting with it. It’s really annoying and unsatisying to do, but there is the miniscule chance that someone will click on one of the links and get me an extra hit, and so I will keep doing it till the end of time. Awful.
Hero of the Year
Well, it’s getting to the end of the ceremony now, and there’s only one more statuette to present. But, we’ve saved the best to last. Last year’s winner, Dave Burley, was there in person to present the award. It was an emotional moment for us all.
Runners-Up:
Clarence Crapper – The hero of the excellent novel, A Hazard Of Parsnips. Although fictional, he is such a powerful and erotic prescence that many readers believe him to be real. We all look forward to more of his adventures in 2009.
Chester Spangleton – He’s had a rough year and only been able to post on FAB twice, but we still love old Cheshy and hope that this mention gives him a boost with his medical problems. Get well soon Chester!
And the Winner is:
Hans Klaussner – He’s not only our favourite German, he’s our favourite person full stop. Hans has been away in America for much of the year and returned especially for The Sherbys. The audience gasped as they realised he was there in person to accept the award and not a dry eye in the house when he and Dave Burley embraced on the podium. It was the only fitting way to end such a magical evening.
And that’s it, all done and dusted for another year. Let’s hope 2009 brings us as many tales of daring, emotion and conflict.
now:
