Evil genius and Neighbours legend Stefan Dennis declares his love for A Hazard of Parsnips in this amazing, exclusive video.  Who can blame him?  It’s an absolutely phenomenal story.  Why don’t you check it out, here?

Mr T shouts like an idiot from a helicopter. Apparently he doesn’t mind flying, after all.

Some idiotic woman does a frankly ridiculous dance to represent some perfume. She thinks she’s got away with it because she’s fit. She hasn’t.

Some berk in a brown jumper releases some metaphorical birds from a cage. This allows him to sit on a sun lounger in a grey jumper. It’s not clear why he’s sunbathing in a jumper.

Lenny Henry. Someone thought Lenny Henry was a good idea.

Davina McCall’s hair is so shiny that it’s liable to blind a small child. She has a phone conversation with a clearly made up blonde. They talk about hair.

These are the adverts that I’ve been subjected to. This is why I record everything.

We start with a look at new period drama The Erotic Bin Men of Old London Town (Monday).   Charlie and Smudge are two refuse collectors scraping a living on the streets of Victorian London.  They live a life of poverty and drudgery until they meet the mysterious Lady Emily Flange-Popper, who offers them work as secret, erotic visitors.  We then follow the adventures of the duo as they try and balance the mundanity of their working class life with the sexual splendour they inhabit of an evening.  This is British television at its very best and the cast is a virtual who’s who of people that you have probably heard of.  I can’t recommend this highly enough.

I can’t recommend highly enough that you don’t watch US drama Ken Bobbins is Interesting (Wednesday).  We’re 11 episodes into the season and Ken has yet to perform any acts that could remotely be considered interesting.  The most exciting moment so far came in episode 4 when Ken had a bagel for his breakfast.  I hear rumours that this has already been picked up for a second season, so perhaps I’m missing something.  I believe that the show is particularly popular with the teen demographic, although I truly don’t understand why they enjoy watching a middle-aged accountant sitting on his sofa and bickering with his equally middle-aged wife.  Kids today, eh?

Lying somewhere between magnificent and d0g-shit lies run-of-the-mill game show Jacques Villeneuve’s Barmy Army (Saturday).  The premise of the show is simple, the former F1 driver commands an army of deranged ex-soldiers and the contestants have to find increasingly contrived ways of defeating them.  It sounds terribly exciting, but the ‘army’ actually consists of 3 WW2 veterans and they’re not so much demented as they are suffering from dementia.  It’s alright, though, and passes the half hour without you wanting to kill yourself.

This week saw the first episode of controversial reality show, Make Me Britain’s Fattest Prostitute (Wednesday).  Fourteen women from all walks of life are simultaneously force-fed junk food while learning the harsh realities of life on the streets.  The contestants have already started to argue as they don’t think it’s fair that size 22 Brenda has been allowed to compete.  She does seem to have an unfair advantage girth-wise, but none of the others seem to have noticed her sexual ineptitude.  My tip is to stick all your money on Shirley for the win.  She may only be size 8, but she’s guzzling chocolate cake and protein shakes like her life depends on it, and can put a condom onto a banana with her mouth.  You read it here first.

Friday night sadly sees the final episode of instant classic game show, Smashing Pumpkins (Thursday).  The premise is incredibly simple:  the contestants have to smash as many pumpkins as they can within a set time, whilst answering questions on celebrity news.  As the programme proceeds, the implements used to squash the squashes gradually become smaller; they start with a lump hammer and by the final round have to use their bloody stumps of fists.  What really elevates the show above the norm is the rapport between co-hosts Billy Corgan and Billy Corkhill (actor John McArdle).  These two are going to be the next Ant and Dec.

Finally, make sure that you don’t miss the heartbreaking documentary, The Cat Who Thought He Was A Fence (Sunday).  I can’t really elucidate much more than the the title does.  It’s about a cat who thinks he is a fence.  He just sits at the bottom of the garden and acts as a demarcation to the next property.  It’s an emotional journey, but is ultimately incredibly uplifting.  An amazing way to end the week.

The tension is beginning to mount on popular game show Wiggle My Wig (Wednesday).  There are only 4 contestants still battling it out for the £1million prize.  Last week saw controversy when Malcolm was eliminated despite performing a level 4 wiggle for over 20 minutes.  Referee John Anderson judged that Malcolm had failed to perform full wiggles on 3 of his reps, but video evidence later proved that this was not the case.  It was a heartbreaking moment which attracted 20 million viewers.   This week’s episode is set to include 2 evictions, so make sure you’re watching.

Finally for this week, there’s the fascinating documentary My Other Toe is a Pig (Thursday).  It’s a little known fact that as many as 1 in 50 people have an animal as one of their digits.  This harrowing film follows a number of the sufferers of this strange affliction.  David has a miniature pig instead of the big toe on his left foot and has learnt to live a normal life.  It’s made easier because the pig is easily hidden in his shoe, but he does have to face prejudice when it oinks.  More upsetting is the story of Veronica who has a full size buzzard instead of the little finger on her right hand.  Not only is it unsightly, but it’s always trying to fly away; this has made it very difficult for her to maintain a steady relationship.  Can she find love despite having a bird of prey permanently attached to her?  You’ll just have to watch to find out.

It’s been a whole six months since I last brought you some TV reviews and it’s time that I brought you some more.  So I am doing.  I’ll start with the awful new US drama, Fries With That (Saturday).  It’s the everyday tale of a bunch of glamorous teens who work in a LA fast food restaurant.  These kind of overly-glossy shows are ridiculous at the best of times, but FWT really takes the piss.  This week’s ‘dramatic’ storyline involves Cindy having to leave the restaurant early for an audition, but can’t because she has to mop the floor.  I don’t even understand why she’s working there – she drives a brand-new BMW and lives in a mansion.  Absolutely bonkers.

Next up is yet more shit drama.  Does anybody remember short-lived interactive drama Text City Hospital?  Well the format has been unwisely resurrected in the guise of police drama Tweet Town Blue (Monday).  Yet again, there is no script and all lines are provided by the audience.  This time, however, the producers have decided that Twitter is trendier and so that’s where all the suggestions come from.  It’s no more successful than texting, as is evidenced by this sample of dialogue from last week:

PC GROWTH:  gettin bladdered tonight, cnt w8

SUSPECT: I’ve just got out of the bath and I’m going to watch 24 on DVD.

PC GROWTH: RT @SUSPECT I’ve just got out of the bath and I’m going to watch 24 on DVD. //LOL

SUSPECT:  I can’t believe I’m watching This Morning.  It’s well boring.

ETC

Anyway, I feel like I should end on a positive note and luckily I’ve been loving the latest series of Antwatch (weeknights).  Terry Nutkins and Kate Humble bring us live coverage of an ant’s nest in the grid in front of Terry’s house.  Sometimes they pour boiling water down the grid out of a kettle.   They need to kill a few as Terry’s wife is terrified that some flying ants will get into the house.  Nature programmes of this variety are what British TV does best.

Until next time, keep watching telly.

St Helens is a town run by glass and glass products.  In order to fight the ever-escalating levels of window related crime, the SHPD have formed a special task force.

Danny Bottle (Shane Ritchie) is a local-lad made good, a play-it-by-the-book copper who has a winning smile and a kind heart.

Vince Glass (Ray Winstone) has moved to St Helens from Widnes, and struggles to fit in with the local ways.  He’s a maverick and isn’t afraid to speak quite loudly if it gets the job done.

Together they are Bottle & Glass, the ultimate odd couple who must overcome their differences to bring sanity back to a town gone mad.  The first episode starts with a bang as a local councillor (Bob Carolgees)  has his windows smashed on his conservatory…with another type of window.  Will Bottle & Glass be able to find the culprit before scandal hits the town hall?

Watch Bottle & Glass, Wednesdays 9pm, to find out.

14. Post From The Past – December 2007 – This contains a few classic posts such as Mike Robot, some blokes on a see-saw, and some Mr Banana-Penis madness.

13. My Art – Elephant Helmet – It’s a helmet on an elephant.

12. My Art – Helmet Elephant – It’s an elephant on a helmet.

11. Christmas Do –  This photograph perfectly sums up what it feels like to be the table at a ‘Christmas do’.

10. Post From The Past – Best of 2007 – This is allegedly a collection of the best posts from 2007.  There are some good ones, so it’s worth checking out.

9. Uninspired – A Poem – A slice of lucid jazz poetry that neatly sums up what it feels like to be completely uninspired.

8. Postal Strike – A controversial post that was both ‘a post’ and ‘not a post’.  This one will baffle philosophy students for years to come.

7. 10 Things You Never Knew About Sherby57 – You didn’t know them, but you do now.

6. Starship Champy –  This is kind of an avant garde poem and a big, teasing riddle.  If you can work out what it all means then you’re a bona fide genius.

5. The Sherby57 On TV Ultimatum – This features a review of everybody’s favourite game show, Fear My Clit.

4. A Hazard of Parsnips – Chapters 3 & 4 – An emotional powerhouse of a novel.  Read it and literally weep.

3. Fireheart! The Movie – Meet the Director – The lazy sod still hasn’t released the film.  The fans are becoming rabid.

2. My Art – Doctor Angel – This is an artist’s impression of the good doc.  But, that artist is me, so it doesn’t look anything like her.  It’s more metaphorical, actually.  It’s not supposed to look like her.

1. Show Me Magic – It’s a drawing, it’s a poem, it’s a biting satire of the ridiculousness of religion.  What more could you want?

Disclaimer – This is an extremely self-indulgent feature and is a cynical attempt to recycle stuff that I have written in the past in the vain hope that someone will actually read them. Please feel free to slag off “Post From The Past” to your hearts content.

Another ill-advised format is the interactive medical drama, Text City Hospital (Wednesday).  We’re now 12 episodes in to the run and it still isn’t any slicker.  For those of you lucky enough not to have seen it, here’s how it works:  The cast are given an initial script which lasts for the first 5 minutes of the show and then the viewers are invited to send text messages of all subsequent lines of dialogue.  All the suggestions are processed by super-drama computer, Harry, and the ‘best’ lines are fed in to a autocue on the set.  This would be fine if the technology weren’t 50 years behind where it should be for such a project.  This is best demonstrated by an extract of a scene from last week:

DR BUNGALOW: Wot iz da mata wiv u

PATIENT: suk ma cock u nob

NURSE: I’ve got a big penis, do u want to see it?

DR BUNGALOW: Errrr u iz mingin

etc

Please don’t watch this show, it will probably reduce your IQ.  Finally this week is hit game show Fish Cake or Not Fish Cake (Friday), in which contestants compete to win a £25,000 jackpot if they can correctly identify a fish cake.  Like many of these shows, it’s completely random, but host John Fashanu manages to build up the tension and it makes for riveting viewing.  It’s no coincidence that fish cake sales have soared by 300% since the series began.

Keep on watching telly, it might just save your life.

The latest US sensation has finally crossed the Atlantic, as we finally have chance to watch, Bradley Schwarzer: Writer (Thursday).  The tale of a literary novelist, this has been the most critically acclaimed TV show for years, despite dismal ratings in the States.  The action, such as it is, revolves around Schwarzers’ attempts to write his masterwork, A Journey of Eyes.  The opening episode sees the eponymous author sat at his desk with his laptop, and we see his increasing frustration as he struggles to choose the opening word of his magnum opus.  Watch for the exciting scene when he goes to make a cup of coffee.

Peabody Place (Monday, Tuesday – 2 episodes, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday -3 episodes, Saturday, Sunday omnibus) continues apace with the locals attempting to halt the progress of the genetically mutilating virus.  Elsewhere, Cedric worries about the viability of his organic cafe during the credit crunch.  Still the best soap on TV.

Finally, for this week, we take a look at moronic game show, Say Yes and Lose (weeknights).  The object of the game is to have a conversation with host, Kenny G, without saying the word ‘yes’.  If you say it, you lose.  Despite the idiotic premise, the show is drawing 4 million viewers every night.  Can so many people really be wrong? Yes, they can.