Here they are:
3. Roy Walker Spangled Banner - A beautiful Catchphrase based song.
2. Penis Frenzy - Lots of cock.
1. Crowfinger - It’s the lyrics, for the theme tune, of a spy film, about the Crow.
Sorry to be so brief, but I’ve got a lot of catching up to do. Laters.
Things may seem to have gone quiet regarding Lex Luthor with a pony-tail, Goot “The Crow”; but behind the scenes we have been working tirelessly to expose him. Being such a tricky character it’s been slow going, but we have found the following three items:
1) http://www.the-crow.co.uk/history.html - This long lost web-page seems to contain information on the early stages in the development of The Crow – and does it contain his real name?? Or is it just more smoke and mirrors?
2) http://www.pointless.net/pipermail/manchesterwireless/2005-November.txt - Why was Goot the Crow getting involved in wireless networking? Was he trying to create a SkyNet style system capable of enslaving the world? It seems far-fetched but we can only assume that he was.
3) Crowfoot Movers. Our spies were carrying out surveillance on a suspected Crow hideout when they spotted this van:
Is The Crow involved?
Is it too much of a coincidence for The Crow not to be involved? We certainly think so. What is the significance of the name “Crowfoot”? Is it a cover for a more sinister purpose? If you have any information PLEASE let us know.
The hunt continues, stay tuned….
The Date: 27th December 2007
The Place: Londons magnificent O2 Arena
The Occasion: The 72nd Annual Sherby57 Awards 2007 aka The Sherbys
In a star-studded ceremony hosted by Sir Trevor McDonald and Jodie Marsh, the years most prestigious awards were presented in front of a 23000 capacity crowd and the worlds press. Unfortunately due to phone poll rigging allegations in previous years the event was sadly not televised. Here is a full round up of the winners and losers.
Artwork of the Year
2007 was a strong year for the art world. From the simple pleasure of a daub of paint on a pristine canvas to the expressionistic mecha-dance of the borgeois warrior monk; there has been something for everyone.
Runners-Up:
A fold in denim caused a stir this year and almost caused a stock market crash! Who can forget the panic buying of jeans in August as people tried (and failed) to recreate this iconic work?
Stunning computer generated image of a lamp. Or is it? What is the lamp? Where does the light come from? It’s a mystery wrapped up in an enigma, surrounded by a puzzle.
And the Winner is:
A haunting image of a world that could be and yet isn’t. Many were moved to tears by the fascistic regime’s attack on the graceful giant felines. A classic for this or any other year and a worthy winner. The Sherby was collected on behalf of the artist by US President George W. Bush. President Bush has acquired the original for the White House and said he was ‘honoured’ to be there to recieve the award.
TV Show of the Year
A troubled year for the world of broadcating; the Big Brother race row, Blue Peter’s faked competition and a hardcore anal scene on Emmerdale. Still there have been a few highlights, and here they are.
Runners-Up:
Celebrity Chip Shop – A triumphant return for the celebrity reality show, this show blew the others away in terms of ratings and intrigue. The competition was neck and neck right to the final when the red team scraped the victory by a margin of just 12 pence.
You Wish You Were Dead – Viewing figures of over 20 million hark back to a golden era of entertainment; this comedy juggernaut provided ratings and cruelty in equal measure. The show provided the ‘water-cooler’ moment of the year in a prank that involved faking a fatal car crash and convincing a man that his entire family were dead. Hilarious.
And the Winner is:
The Womb Surfer – THE outstanding drama of the year, this US import has received critical and popular acclaim. Despite a somewhat slow start to the second season the show has continued to wow audiences. The crowd at the O2 arena went wild when stars Chuck Murraymint and Danny Spencer appeared in person to collect the award. The actors (who play Landau McGarnekell and John O’Groats respectively) had to wait for 73 minutes for their standing ovation to subside before being able give their acceptance speech. Murraymint said “Thanks” while Spencer said “Woof woof”.
Comment of the Year
Sherby57 is a democratic organisation and is open to comments by any of its fans. In recognition of this we present a special award for the best fan comment of the year.
Runners-Up:
A Local Tramp on One was a Stunner, One was a Dog – A Brainteaser:”Hi there Sherbs!
Just spotted this discussion and I think I may have something to add. I remember one night a good few years ago when I was in bed just by the bins at the back of the Postern Gate Pub in Warrinton. I was woke up by what appeared to be a balding man, a stunner and a dog!
The man kept saying things that I couldn’t quite make out – I’m sure I did catch a few phrases though such as:
“Four Letters …. Loser”
“Alright stunner – Have a nice weekend”
“Alright dog – Have a nice weekend”
and
“Me and me mate went Jet-Skiing at weekend”
Didn’t see anu activities of a sexual nature though!
Hope this helps!”
The Speak Man on Where Do Spuds Come From?
“Mr Sherby – obviously your investigatory skills are amazing. Please please please could you finally investigate and give an answer to the following question that has haunted my night times for the past three years – “why were phil and tony left out of the loop??” I think we all need to know and so we can all finally lay this one to rest!!”
And the Winner is:
Dionne Warwick on Bullseye Bollocks:
“You forgot to say “stay out on the black and into the red, nothing in this game for two in a bed”.
I concur bullseye is poo with a very low production value to match the IQ of the contestants. However I would have liked to know how the contestants shared the prize of a caravan. May I suggest a time share arrangement? this would mean that all parties could spend quality time in the luxurious two bed caravan located at Robin Hood caravan park, Prestatyn. here they could also make good use of the 1.5 person speedboat, max speed 10 MPH with white leather seat with built in lager can holder and chipstick dispenser. A tub of vaseline is also advisable, to apply after you have eaten the chipsticks.
I would like to know your thoughts on another show now deemed to grace the halls of cooldom, blockbusters with bob holness, can I have a P please bob, can I have a E please bob, you get the picture!!!”
In a hard fought category there were many worthy winners. Ultimately though, I hate Bullseye and there can only be one winner. Unfortunately the holidays are Miss Warwicks special time and she spends the festivities at home with her family. However she did send her thanks.
Poem of the Year
The international poetry scene has exploded this year and created stars such as Derek “The Iceman” Higginbottom and Hairy Joe The Exotic Lemon Squeezer. With competition this hot, the judges needed poetry oven gloved in which to handle the sizzling platter of words conjured up in the form of rhyme. As head-poetry judge Barney The Dinosuar quipped “there’s no RHYME nor reason about it”. And we all laughed.
Runners-Up:
Pop Shop Pop – Pounding beats meet. Tap tap tap. Great Chat.
The Sea..See? – Slish Slosh. This poem is posh.
And the Winner is:
Before I eat my dinner
I declare this the winner
Before I get bored
Here is the award
Video of the Year
If one words sums up the year 2007 as a whole (and it does) it is – video. Moving images, moving moving. Suddenly replacing the static photographs of the past. It’s a whole new world as Peter and Jordan once ‘sang’. And how would I tell which is best videos to watch? Here’s how.
Runners-Up:
One of the events of the year captured on film. Well not on film obviously. On a phone. Which when you think about it is quite bizarre. Imagine telling the Victorians that you would be capturing moving images on to a telelphone. I mean, they wouldn’t even know what a telephone was for a start.
There was a choice of two similar clips to nominate but this one ended up on the ballot as he turns his back on the crowd and it’s pretty funny.
This is a clip that has everything. The great trailer voice-over, a little bit of Earth Song and most importantly a whole lot of Fireheart. It’s a clip that has excited millions of fans worldwide. The Sherby was collected by Fireheart director Stanley Giggleswick although he refused to divulge any further details on the upcoming movie.
Photo of the Year
Ah photos. Despite what I just said, they are still important. Let’s have a look at some of the best of the year.
Runners-Up:
It’s the look of an alpha male. The limp wrist (no watch). The hand in pocket. The Argentinian Soccer Jersey. It all adds up to sales galore for Geordie Jeans. And no, people are just searching for that clip off Shooting Stars. Honest.
This photo caused international controversy when it was compared to the Godfather of Grime Wiley.
And the Winner is:
There could only be one winner. Mr Banana Penis is by far the most popular photograph on the internet this year. And that ain’t bad for a genetic freak. Mr B-P appeared in person to collect his award although he refused to ‘get it out’. He is still looking for love so if you are interested (and you are female) please look here. Come on, he’s an award winner!
News Story of the Year
There have been some huge stories in the news this year; Gordon Brown becoming PM, the floods, the missing rice scandal etc etc. As always though, the Sherby57 investigative team were at the forefront of quality journalism. This award is a tribute to those stories that made a difference.
Runners-Up:
Where Do Spuds Come From? – A dazzling expose on the whole corrupt potato industry. Eating a chip will never be the same again.
Peggy Widge – An insight in to a rare and disturbing medical condition. Thought provoking.
And the Winner is:
Goot Crow Industries and Global Influence – The article that first let the world know that their lives are not their own. The Crow is a tough nut to crack and he has been soaking in vinegar. The Sherby statuette was collected by the whole Sherby57 team as the crowd chanted ‘thank you’. They can save the world with your help.
Villain of the Year
Booooooooooo. Hisss.
Runners-Up:
Mike Robot – He claims he is innocent but does anybody believe him? Sinister.
Mr Quiff – He’s yellow. He has a quif. He is very rude. He makes my skin crawl.
And the Winner is:
Goot the Crow – Was there a chance that he wouldn’t win? He has his fingers in more pies than Jack Horner. And they all stink. Think of a combination of Hitler, Stalin, Mao and Keith Chegwin. Multply by a million. Cover it in Satan Shit and mix it all together. Dress it up in an SS uniform with a Gary Glitter wig. And Goot would still call it a cissy. It goes without saying that he didn’t collect the award in person.
Hero of the Year
It’s the final and biggest Sherby of all. To be a runner up is a massive honour. The winner will go down in history as a great man. Let’s have a look who won.
Runners-Up:
Hans Klaussner – The plucky German warmed all out hearts as he lookd for love. Bravery in face of adversity and a way with words has made Hans a national treasure.
Dr Glen Medeiros – A scientist with a heart. A man of compassion as well as cold hard logic. His varied humanitarian work ranged from those who put pegs on their penises to those who have a banana for a penis. It’s generally to do with penises. His work at the Torben Piechnik Institute is an inspiration to us all.
And the Winner is:
Dave “Dave” Burley – Dave is the worthiest of winners. What more can I write about him that I haven’t already written endlessly about. I don’t think messiah would be too strong a word. Dave graciously appeared live at the ceremony and received an unprecedented 4 hour standing ovation. People queued to wash his feet or be healed. He sang, he laughed, he cried. He touched us all. Not literally, I mean emotionally. He’s not a sex pest. As the crowd settled down and we were able to hear him, Dave imparted a message. A simple message but one that will echo down the ages.
“Enjoy the drink. Enjoy the dancing. Enjoy the do. Let’s get shitfaced.”
And on that note we roll up the red carpet until next year. I’m off to the after show party and hopefully I’ll get to boff a groupie.
A bientot!
Sherby57
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