The opening entries of The Sherby57 Project looked at the events that led to creation of this blog, the first couple of posts, and their impact on the history of the universe (all documented in Fire In My Heart). They were certainly momentous times, and the world was left a better place on 1st June 2007, with the creation of the Fireheart myth. Surely that would have been enough for one day, but those who are observant amongst you may have noticed a two more posts on that historic day, the first of which was simply titled Legends. This post mainly consists of the following photograph:
It was taken in the upstairs venue at The White Hart pub in Warrington. The walls are decorated with photos of various musicians. You can clearly see Kurt Cobain, David Bowie, and Marvin Gaye – all of whom are undeniably legends of popular music. Look at the photo again, and ask yourself: who’s that in the middle of them all? Who’s that taking the prime position on a wall dedicated to the gods of music? That man, my friend, is Mr David Burley, and he is a key figure in the Sherby57 Project.
It wouldn’t be fair to call Dave the messiah – he’s far too modest to accept such a title, but he is definitely an inspiration and an example on the right way to live your lives. Although Dave has no official affiliation with the Sacred Order of Sherby57, he is revered by the monks for his incredible zest for life, his clarity of thought, and his magnanimous manner. Dave is able to spread his wisdom simply and succinctly through proclamations such as “Enjoy the drink, enjoy the dancing, enjoy the do”, and “Let’s get shitfaced”. He also is able to share his message through the use of his alter ego, Bobby B. An example of his work came in the post “Bobby B Introduces Black Manalishi“, which contains the following video clips:
Mere human words cannot do justice to the sheer enthusiasm that Dave conveys whilst introducing Warrington-based band Black Manalishi. Even without espousing an obvious message, his actions encouraged all those in attendance to better their lives.
Dave has had an immense impact on the internet as a whole, and in the post “Dave’s Greatest Hits“, I explored some of the search terms that people have used to find this blog. There are some obvious ones such as “Dave Burley”, which is to be expected for someone with so many followers. What Dave is able to do however is attract hits from people searching for things such as “twenty seven years later cabbages”, and “pictures of classic bobs”. Even though these things don’t directly relate to him, he is able to mystically draw these people to learn from the wisdom of Sherby57.
This is only the first encounter that Dave will have with The Sherby57 Project, but rest assured there will be more to come. In the mean time, check out his dedicated fan page here.
Hey gang. Here’s the countdown of the best posts from June 2008:
1. Post From The Past – June 2007 - There is something really depressing about the only item to appear in ‘Post From The Past’ being another entry from ‘Post From The Past’; I’m not a huge fan of the format to begin with. That said, there are some excellent posts to check out if you do follow the link, including: the first two chapters of legendary serial Fireheart, some groundbreaking, phenomenal animations, a photo of ‘Mr Warrington’ Dave Burley, some computer game reviews, some videos of ‘Mr Boombastic’ Dave Burley, and much, much (some) more.
Does it come across as particularly pathetic that I’n trying to peddle posts that I made two years ago? Answers on a postcard to Sherby57 Towers.
Disclaimer – This is an extremely self-indulgent feature and is a cynical attempt to recycle stuff that I have written in the past in the vain hope that someone will actually read them. Please feel free to slag off “Post From The Past” to your hearts content.
Due to legal proceeding, our coverage of this year’s Sherbys has been delayed for a week. We apologise for any inconvenience to our many fans. But we still maintain that ***** ****** did meet ******* **** and thoroughly ****** his ***** out.
Anyway, on with the show:
The Date: 27th December 2008
The Place: The Royal Albert Hall
The Occasion: The 73rd Annual Sherby57 Awards 2007 aka The Sherbys
A glittering array of stars were present at the Royal Albert Hall, as this year’s hosts, husband and wife team, Clive and Pamela Anderson, hosted the prestigious award ceremony. Clive managed to wow the audience with his wits, while Pamela wowed them with her natural charm(s). Let’s take a look at some of the winners and losers.
Artwork of the Year
Another busy year for Art, saw Art jump up and bite itself firmly on the butt cheeks (buttocks). The once humdrum mundanery of modern existence, could now be seen purely for its own aesthetic worth, whilst true skill and talent were taken out back and pummeled with a snooker ball in a sock. Which was regarded as something of an artistic triumph. Quelle surprise!
This sumptuous drawing, making the most of biro and marker pen on printer paper, really sums up the modern workplace. From the vampire, which symbolises frustration, to the key, which shows us inner turmoil, the whole piece comes together as a whole and congeals in your mind. A worthy winner in this and every year.
TV Show of the Year
The big TV story of the year was Brand/Ross-gate (Bwossandgate?). Which was weird cos it happened on the radio. We’ll forget the scandal and just look at some of the quality programming that 2008 had to offer.
Runners-Up:
Celeb Kebab House – In a year when even the whiff of another lame celebrity reality show made the population vomit so hard that it went back in time, and was hence responsible for the rise of life on the planet, Celeb Kebab House bucked the trend. It’s sole virtue is that it didn’t make my eyes bleed.
Inside The Institute – Blending heartwarming human interest stories with the hard-nosed bastard that is science is never easy. Well it wasn’t until Inside The Institute hit our screens. Based in Warrington’s Torben Piechnik Institute, we learned to love arrogant, yet caring, Dr. Glen Medeiros. It was very close to winning this years award.
And the Winner is:
Fear My Clit – Programme makers should be rewarded for genuinely innovative and ground-breaking television, and boy are the makers of Fear My Clit being rewarded. With its extreme subject matter and the traumatic levels of humiliation heaped on all participants, it really went to show what could be achieved with a limited budget. Let’s hope that series 2 isn’t delayed too much by all the court cases. That would be the real tragedy.
Comment of the Year
Sherby57 is a democratic organisation and is open to comments by any of its fans. In recognition of this we present a special award for the best fan comment of the year.
surely your german is better than my english, therfore I’ll change now:
Leider kann ich kein “Lonely Heart” bieten, da ich “Happy married” bin.
Da Du mich aber vor ca. 1000 gefühlten Jahren in München einmal ausgeführt hast und dies für mich ein sehr aufregender Super-Abend war (für Dich evtl. etwas öde) sende ich Dir auf diesem Wege liebe Wintergrüße aus Bayern.
Ich hoffe Dir geht’s gut, Anne”
“I live ten minutes away from Burscough and can confirm the following:
1. Burscough has a ‘yoof’ problem and has at least 600 youth clubs despite only having a population of 200 people.
2. They train pole dancers in Burscough. The pole dancers are then recruited to Stefan Dennis’ chain of erotic boutiques ‘Slutz Emporia’.
3. Mysterious wagons are seen driving from Burscough to Skelmersdale’s industrial village ‘Pimbo’. Is this where the potato is manufactured?The only way to find out is to join a staffing agency and try and infiltrate the very bowels of Pimbo itself.”
“Speculation is rife that the WBC toasters were removed in order to prevent potentially earth destroying crumb collision experiments by maverick scientists attempting to create the conditions that existed a billionth of a second after the first bread was toasted. Government scientists fear such experiments could result in the creation of black holes, a condition that occurs when the bread becomes superheated and turns black before igniting, sometimes resulting in a hole in the bread.
It was initially believed that effects of these “black holes“ could be negated by an over-application of butter and jam, but further scientific speculation has suggested that they could result in the END OF THE WORLD !!!
News channels have reported that a group involved in a failed attempt at using crumb collision technology in a café on Fleetwood pier yesterday have fled to Europe and gone underground. Intelligence reports expect them to be making further attempts today.”
It was an extremely competitive field this year for comments, with a special mention going to Dr. Angel for her tireless work and yet cruelly pipped at the post when it came to winning the award. Dr. Angel’s nemesis, Stefan Dennis, has also been a regular contributor, which is welcome despite his despotic tendencies.
In the end, the award had to go to Russell Hobbs for his devastating analysis of the whole Warrington-based scandal Toastergate.
Poem of the Year
As Boyzone so eloquently sang, “It’s only words, and words nurr nurr nurr, will take your breath away”. It was definitely something along those lines anyway. So without further flurry in to the fully-formed festivities and fling furtively with final fretful fears, here is some poems.
Runners-Up:
Toast Me – A poem about toast. Did you like this one the most?
Bit of a Dark Rug – This one makes me shrug. Why write a poem about a rug?
Due to contractual obligations there were no original Sherby57 created videos on the site this year. Instead we present a round up of our youtube favourites.
Runners-Up:
The Bushwhackers
The key is not to watch Cousin Butch (the one speaking), but to watch Cousin Luke’s dedication to wobbling his head. It’s truly a joy to behold.
Release The Kraken
I could listen to it all day and still not understand why he says ‘Release the Kraken’. And I have actually done that. And I didn’t.
And the Winner is:
Steve McLaren Goesh Dutch
I don’t know why it’s so funny but it makes me laugh every time.
Photo of the Year
Pick up a camera and take a snap. What have you got? It’s a photograph!
If there is a sadder sight than a load of toasers in a shopping trolley then I’d like to know what it was. Breathtaking.
News Story of the Year
If you look at old news stories, should you call them olds?
Runners-Up:
Blind-Duh-Date Syndrome – Another dazzling medical expose, this story highlighted those poor unfortunates who suffer from this terrible affliction. We learn of the work of Dr. Pepsi Shirley at the unparalleled Torben Piechnik Institute, and what she is doing to help people with such a bizarre vocal condition.
Hot Shower – There had been no new information on the upcoming Fireheart! The Movie in months when this story appeared. Although trivial in nature, on publication it gave the millions of Fireheart! fans around the world something to hang on to. And boy, Hot Shower is such a good song!
And the Winner is:
Toaster Amnesty Hits Warrington – This was the story that started the whole Toastergate scandal. Who could have predicted what an uproar it would cause to the people of Warrington? Not I. We are still feeling the repercussions now, with conspiracy theories popping up left, right and centre. It’s unlikely we’ll ever learn the truth about this, but it won’t stop us from trying.
Villain of the Year
Booooooooooo. Hisss.
Runners-Up:
The Hacker Formerly Known as ‘JLS’ – This ‘man’ had the audacity to try and fiddle a sanctioned Sherby57 poll on the hilarious A-Team joke. It can only be pure evil that would drive a man to do this, to such a well loved and respected jokesmith as myself. It’s rumoured he is an associate of the following runner-up.
Goot “Goot The Crow” The Crow – He’s still the most evil man in the world, and on merit should have won. But he’d probably just show off to all his supervillain buddies that he’d won this award two years in a row; and I won’t give him that satisfactions. The are rumours that the Masked Avenger is turning his sights to the evil empire. There will be blood spilled this year.
And the Winner is:
Me – For coming up with the idea for the hideous ‘Post From the Past‘ and then insisting on persisting with it. It’s really annoying and unsatisying to do, but there is the miniscule chance that someone will click on one of the links and get me an extra hit, and so I will keep doing it till the end of time. Awful.
Hero of the Year
Well, it’s getting to the end of the ceremony now, and there’s only one more statuette to present. But, we’ve saved the best to last. Last year’s winner, Dave Burley, was there in person to present the award. It was an emotional moment for us all.
Runners-Up:
Clarence Crapper – The hero of the excellent novel, A Hazard Of Parsnips. Although fictional, he is such a powerful and erotic prescence that many readers believe him to be real. We all look forward to more of his adventures in 2009.
Chester Spangleton – He’s had a rough year and only been able to post on FAB twice, but we still love old Cheshy and hope that this mention gives him a boost with his medical problems. Get well soon Chester!
And the Winner is:
Hans Klaussner – He’s not only our favourite German, he’s our favourite person full stop. Hans has been away in America for much of the year and returned especially for The Sherbys. The audience gasped as they realised he was there in person to accept the award and not a dry eye in the house when he and Dave Burley embraced on the podium. It was the only fitting way to end such a magical evening.
And that’s it, all done and dusted for another year. Let’s hope 2009 brings us as many tales of daring, emotion and conflict.
I’ll try not to moan this month, I’ll just get on with it:
8) CHESHTER! – It’s just a tiny rant. But there is a message from our old friend Chester Spangleton at the bottom. Whatever happened to that guy?
7)Flying Pig – More Evidence - It’s a pig, and it’s got wings. Is this evidence of a global porcine conspiracy? Or is it just dangling from a wire? You decide.
6)Goot in the Ukraine? – Another piece investigating the infamous “Goot The Crow”. Is he connected to footballer Andriy Voronin? Or is it just nonsense?
5)Jimmy Cricket – A wonderful video clip of the legendary comedian appearing in Warrington.
3) Fireheart! Part 4- Another thrilling chapter in the life of Johnny Fireheart. We meet the new character, Big Poppa Luigi. I’ll be honest, it’s goes off on something of a tangent.
1) Thumping Hearts – An Exclusive Extract – Perhaps the most erotic bit of fiction in the English language. You need to read the whole novel; that’s if you think you can handle constant orgasm. Eve St. Prince is a genius.
See you next month for another installment of nobody’s favoutire feature – Post From The Past!
Disclaimer – This is an extremely self-indulgent feature and is a cynical attempt to recycle stuff that I have written in the past in the vain hope that someone will actually read them. Please feel free to slag off “Post From The Past” to your heart’s content.
The Occasion: The 72nd Annual Sherby57 Awards 2007 aka The Sherbys
In a star-studded ceremony hosted by Sir Trevor McDonald and Jodie Marsh, the years most prestigious awards were presented in front of a 23000 capacity crowd and the worlds press. Unfortunately due to phone poll rigging allegations in previous years the event was sadly not televised. Here is a full round up of the winners and losers.
Artwork of the Year
2007 was a strong year for the art world. From the simple pleasure of a daub of paint on a pristine canvas to the expressionistic mecha-dance of the borgeois warrior monk; there has been something for everyone.
A fold in denim caused a stir this year and almost caused a stock market crash! Who can forget the panic buying of jeans in August as people tried (and failed) to recreate this iconic work?
Stunning computer generated image of a lamp. Or is it? What is the lamp? Where does the light come from? It’s a mystery wrapped up in an enigma, surrounded by a puzzle.
A haunting image of a world that could be and yet isn’t. Many were moved to tears by the fascistic regime’s attack on the graceful giant felines. A classic for this or any other year and a worthy winner. The Sherby was collected on behalf of the artist by US President George W. Bush. President Bush has acquired the original for the White House and said he was ‘honoured’ to be there to recieve the award.
TV Show of the Year
A troubled year for the world of broadcating; the Big Brother race row, Blue Peter’s faked competition and a hardcore anal scene on Emmerdale. Still there have been a few highlights, and here they are.
Runners-Up:
Celebrity Chip Shop – A triumphant return for the celebrity reality show, this show blew the others away in terms of ratings and intrigue. The competition was neck and neck right to the final when the red team scraped the victory by a margin of just 12 pence.
You Wish You Were Dead – Viewing figures of over 20 million hark back to a golden era of entertainment; this comedy juggernaut provided ratings and cruelty in equal measure. The show provided the ‘water-cooler’ moment of the year in a prank that involved faking a fatal car crash and convincing a man that his entire family were dead. Hilarious.
And the Winner is:
The Womb Surfer – THE outstanding drama of the year, this US import has received critical and popular acclaim. Despite a somewhat slow start to the second season the show has continued to wow audiences. The crowd at the O2 arena went wild when stars Chuck Murraymint and Danny Spencer appeared in person to collect the award. The actors (who play Landau McGarnekell and John O’Groats respectively) had to wait for 73 minutes for their standing ovation to subside before being able give their acceptance speech. Murraymint said “Thanks” while Spencer said “Woof woof”.
Comment of the Year
Sherby57 is a democratic organisation and is open to comments by any of its fans. In recognition of this we present a special award for the best fan comment of the year.
Runners-Up:
A Local Tramp on One was a Stunner, One was a Dog – A Brainteaser:”Hi there Sherbs!
Just spotted this discussion and I think I may have something to add. I remember one night a good few years ago when I was in bed just by the bins at the back of the Postern Gate Pub in Warrinton. I was woke up by what appeared to be a balding man, a stunner and a dog!
The man kept saying things that I couldn’t quite make out – I’m sure I did catch a few phrases though such as:
“Four Letters …. Loser”
“Alright stunner – Have a nice weekend”
“Alright dog – Have a nice weekend”
and
“Me and me mate went Jet-Skiing at weekend”
Didn’t see anu activities of a sexual nature though!
Hope this helps!”
“Mr Sherby – obviously your investigatory skills are amazing. Please please please could you finally investigate and give an answer to the following question that has haunted my night times for the past three years – “why were phil and tony left out of the loop??” I think we all need to know and so we can all finally lay this one to rest!!”
“You forgot to say “stay out on the black and into the red, nothing in this game for two in a bed”.
I concur bullseye is poo with a very low production value to match the IQ of the contestants. However I would have liked to know how the contestants shared the prize of a caravan. May I suggest a time share arrangement? this would mean that all parties could spend quality time in the luxurious two bed caravan located at Robin Hood caravan park, Prestatyn. here they could also make good use of the 1.5 person speedboat, max speed 10 MPH with white leather seat with built in lager can holder and chipstick dispenser. A tub of vaseline is also advisable, to apply after you have eaten the chipsticks.
I would like to know your thoughts on another show now deemed to grace the halls of cooldom, blockbusters with bob holness, can I have a P please bob, can I have a E please bob, you get the picture!!!”
In a hard fought category there were many worthy winners. Ultimately though, I hate Bullseye and there can only be one winner. Unfortunately the holidays are Miss Warwicks special time and she spends the festivities at home with her family. However she did send her thanks.
Poem of the Year
The international poetry scene has exploded this year and created stars such as Derek “The Iceman” Higginbottom and Hairy Joe The Exotic Lemon Squeezer. With competition this hot, the judges needed poetry oven gloved in which to handle the sizzling platter of words conjured up in the form of rhyme. As head-poetry judge Barney The Dinosuar quipped “there’s no RHYME nor reason about it”. And we all laughed.
Runners-Up:
Pop Shop Pop – Pounding beats meet. Tap tap tap. Great Chat.
If one words sums up the year 2007 as a whole (and it does) it is – video. Moving images, moving moving. Suddenly replacing the static photographs of the past. It’s a whole new world as Peter and Jordan once ‘sang’. And how would I tell which is best videos to watch? Here’s how.
One of the events of the year captured on film. Well not on film obviously. On a phone. Which when you think about it is quite bizarre. Imagine telling the Victorians that you would be capturing moving images on to a telelphone. I mean, they wouldn’t even know what a telephone was for a start.
This is a clip that has everything. The great trailer voice-over, a little bit of Earth Song and most importantly a whole lot of Fireheart. It’s a clip that has excited millions of fans worldwide. The Sherby was collected by Fireheart director Stanley Giggleswick although he refused to divulge any further details on the upcoming movie.
Photo of the Year
Ah photos. Despite what I just said, they are still important. Let’s have a look at some of the best of the year.
It’s the look of an alpha male. The limp wrist (no watch). The hand in pocket. The Argentinian Soccer Jersey. It all adds up to sales galore for Geordie Jeans. And no, people are just searching for that clip off Shooting Stars. Honest.
There could only be one winner. Mr Banana Penis is by far the most popular photograph on the internet this year. And that ain’t bad for a genetic freak. Mr B-P appeared in person to collect his award although he refused to ‘get it out’. He is still looking for love so if you are interested (and you are female) please look here. Come on, he’s an award winner!
News Story of the Year
There have been some huge stories in the news this year; Gordon Brown becoming PM, the floods, the missing rice scandal etc etc. As always though, the Sherby57 investigative team were at the forefront of quality journalism. This award is a tribute to those stories that made a difference.
Runners-Up:
Where Do Spuds Come From? – A dazzling expose on the whole corrupt potato industry. Eating a chip will never be the same again. Peggy Widge – An insight in to a rare and disturbing medical condition. Thought provoking.
And the Winner is:
Goot Crow Industries and Global Influence – The article that first let the world know that their lives are not their own. The Crow is a tough nut to crack and he has been soaking in vinegar. The Sherby statuette was collected by the whole Sherby57 team as the crowd chanted ‘thank you’. They can save the world with your help.
Villain of the Year
Booooooooooo. Hisss.
Runners-Up:
Mike Robot – He claims he is innocent but does anybody believe him? Sinister.
Mr Quiff – He’s yellow. He has a quif. He is very rude. He makes my skin crawl.
And the Winner is:
Goot the Crow – Was there a chance that he wouldn’t win? He has his fingers in more pies than Jack Horner. And they all stink. Think of a combination of Hitler, Stalin, Mao and Keith Chegwin. Multply by a million. Cover it in Satan Shit and mix it all together. Dress it up in an SS uniform with a Gary Glitter wig. And Goot would still call it a cissy. It goes without saying that he didn’t collect the award in person.
Hero of the Year
It’s the final and biggest Sherby of all. To be a runner up is a massive honour. The winner will go down in history as a great man. Let’s have a look who won.
Runners-Up:
Hans Klaussner – The plucky German warmed all out hearts as he lookd for love. Bravery in face of adversity and a way with words has made Hans a national treasure.
Dr Glen Medeiros – A scientist with a heart. A man of compassion as well as cold hard logic. His varied humanitarian work ranged from those who put pegs on their penises to those who have a banana for a penis. It’s generally to do with penises. His work at the Torben Piechnik Institute is an inspiration to us all.
And the Winner is:
Dave “Dave” Burley – Dave is the worthiest of winners. What more can I write about him that I haven’t already written endlessly about. I don’t think messiah would be too strong a word. Dave graciously appeared live at the ceremony and received an unprecedented 4 hour standing ovation. People queued to wash his feet or be healed. He sang, he laughed, he cried. He touched us all. Not literally, I mean emotionally. He’s not a sex pest. As the crowd settled down and we were able to hear him, Dave imparted a message. A simple message but one that will echo down the ages.
“Enjoy the drink. Enjoy the dancing. Enjoy the do. Let’s get shitfaced.”
And on that note we roll up the red carpet until next year. I’m off to the after show party and hopefully I’ll get to boff a groupie.
now:
